Did I F@$%ing Stutter? - Ranting

Sorting Through Things

Okay, this is a more sensitive subject, so I'm not so much ranting. Based on a problem that came up today that was ultimately my fault, but now that I'm fully conscious I want to explain myself in one way or another. I don't care who does or doesn't see this because there's nothing anyone can do about it. This will be seen eventually I'm sure, but I don't care. I'm just glad I can finally think straight and sort through what happened today.

For those of you who know nothing about me, this ought to be interesting for you. Perhaps even unnerving, but see if I give a damn what you think. What I can say -with all discretion where it's due- is the damn truth; whether you believe me or not is your problem and I have no frickin' patience for people calling me a liar or a faker. If that's all you want to do by the end of this or anywhere in between, buzz off and find someone else to aggravate.

Anyway.

First and foremost, I managed to piss off my closest friend. It was my fault; I completely admit and accept that. There's most likely no fixing it, and I'll just have to accept that too. What I did was completely unacceptable and rude and it will be the thing that haunts me the rest of my life, I assure you. Just like all the other mistakes I made that were a train wreck. And there's quite a few.

Second, she has every right to be angry with me, as well as everyone else involved. Though, there are a few things that I couldn't figure out how to explain without making matters worse, especially when nothing I have to say can excuse my actions, because they are -in fact- inexcusable.

This isn't me whining, or running or hiding by putting this on another site instead of my main one or not taking this directly to my friends, this is me learning by getting my thought out in a somewhat orderly fashion. Because it seems the only way I can do that is when I'm typing, and sound of mind. This morning, I clearly wasn't that. And I hadn't been the past couple days.

 Also, there is no hiding and I'm sure they'll see it eventually anyway, because they're that frickin' smart and observant. If they don't see it, I'll be fairly surprised.Only I'm counting on the innate possibility they won't say anything, because unless I go to them I can be 99.999% sure that they won't bother saying anything. But if they act on it I'd be somewhat surprised based on the other information, but then again I wouldn't be because the opposite outcome is still possible.

Moving on.

Yesterday, I knew something was off. I could feel it with every damn fiber of my consciousness. Something really had me going borderline insane. I couldn't calm down, I was tight and nervous, and so goddamn anxious and flailing with unfounded panic that literally nothing was making two bits worth of sense and my temper was through the roof. 80% of the time I had no idea what the hell I was doing on top of being essentially blind to everything going on around me. The cat's tail got caught in my bedroom door, I couldn't stay calm enough to not get snappy with my mother, and it took every last nerve to not go off at every damn sound that broke the usual silence in my room.

I was exhausted as hell due to everything that had been going on. I pretty much knew I had stretched myself too thin, but not entirely in the physical sense. I had never felt so drained in my life from what I thought to be such trivial things that had apparently been chipping away at my energy one piece at a time until there was practically nothing left, and I was still letting myself be dragged into things I didn't have the energy to handle. That was my own damn fault too, I admit.

Anyway, I was being paranoid as f#$% like I was being f#$%ing watched or hunted, and I had no clue as to why. But after today I figured out what the blazing hell it was, and there's nothing I can do to fix it now. I should have followed my instincts and closed myself off from everyone else when I had the chance the moment I felt the need to so I could have fixed the problem before it got worse. Now it's too damn late and I can only pray nothing gets any worse, but I've never been that lucky.