Did I F@$%ing Stutter? - Ranting

Sorting Through Things

Lesson learned in the most abrupt fashion.

What happened this morning is something neither I or the other side of me would have ever done. I only realized that after discovering we were both in a bad mental haze. I could only barely see what was happening, and at a certain point I essentially lost control of what I was doing and couldn't process what was going on until it was too late.

Explanation? Let me tell you something only a few people know, because I actually don't give a damn about putting it here. I have no reason to believe it will be a real issue. And if it is for you, then that's your problem and you can find your way out the door on your own.

Firstly, I have a second personality. "He's"  not very pleasant, but I've grown up with him the majority of my life. He can be just as understanding and calm as he can be vicious, and that's not something anyone wants to test. Of course, that's not to say I'm some kind of mushy ray of sunshine.

Anyway, my friend was doing a livestream this morning. For once I had woken up feeling kind of hollow, and out of whack. That's not a feeling that happens. Once in every blue moon, maybe. Everything was essentially going by like a movie screen that I had next to no control over, but I didn't think much of it because I thought things had gone back to normal from the past couple weeks.

Well, my mistake.

Everything was fine to start out. Even when her more recent friend (let's call her A) came online. I was actually happy to meet her and we sort of chatted for a bit. As time went on, we switched to a different site for the stream because it seemed like the thing to do, nothing wrong there.

At first.

-And real quick, let's get one thing straight. None of what took place is anyone's fault but mine. So if you think this is me shifting the blame, you got another thing coming.-

My friend and A were chatting back and forth over what we generally call a 'sneakcret'. Nothing huge, nothing that really mattered at this point in time, just a fun little thing between them. I wasn't really all that curious as to what it was, but I was still joking around with 'what is it; I wanna know' and 'whyyyyy' when I wasn't told. I really didn't care all that much, I was really just kidding around, though it occurs to me I went overboard.

Basically my friend said it was nothing bad (which I was already sure of, believe it or not) and she had never been happier, and she promised. The whole promise thing was essentially an unimportant tidbit of information. It didn't bother me, but I thought my second personality may have been, because the next thing I know I'm typing, but not what I wanted to say.

I would have said "Haha okie dokie" or something of that nature. But what came out instead was "Do you really?"

I am dead serious when I say, that was not what I was intending to type and I had no control over it. I literally couldn't force my hands to do what I wanted them to. It just happened in a blur. After the message was sent I tried to process a way to make that sound like a harmless joke because that's what I thought it was typed for. But I was physically and mentally unable to do that, and I definitely couldn't take it back. It was as if my entire brain was on pause.

Needless to say my friend and A were confused and upset. I could see that. I couldn't tell you how much I wanted, and was trying, to fix it. But once again I couldn't make it happen. My friend, clearly taken aback by the comment I sent asked if she needed to bring another friend of hers into the conversation as a witness that she was telling the truth.

Once again, I was wanting to say 'No, don't worry about it lol' or whatever to make things slide. But that didn't happen either, and instead I ended up sending something to the effect of "Go ahead if you want," blah blah. All you need to know about what I also said in that response, is it was dumb, unnecessary, and I wouldn't have said it to begin with, especially in this case. I had no full idea what I was doing or typing, or what was going on, and I was only fully processing the messages after they were sent.