Open letter to you my beloved....

Beautiful Pain.

The train sped down the railroad tracks quicker than the time you left. I see you in everything and everyone, leaving the house has became nothing but agonizing pain that I can't control. Frankly, I don't know if I want to control it. As I sit on this train and blink away the tears, I wonder if letting go of the agony would be letting go of you. In a way, I find the pain beautiful and it saddens me to say this.

There are just so many questions that need answers. I need for our six months together to mean something, I have to find something that won't make me regret waiting at your door stop and hesitating as my index finger hovers over the doorbell. I know I wake up in the middle of the night screaming my rapist name, I know I'm obsessed with writing my deceased brothers initials on the mirror after a hot shower, I know I'm fucked up. Everyone that has ever glided into my life has left and I wanted so hard to believe that you weren't like the rest so I let my guard down and let you in, please don't make me regret letting you in.

The sky is pink, but my heart is so blue. You control my inner thoughts and my outer look too. These cuts on my wrist are for you, the purple bruise on my chest is from you, and the constant tears that soak my pillow at night are because of you. You see, it all comes back to you and I don't know what to do. Why is my heart so god damn blue?

"It's all her fault," I repeat over and over again as if it will convince me that what I'm saying is right. I want to blame her, I want to believe that my relationship has become nothing but lost text and drunk nights because of her. I cringe at the thought of you two together and I know it's wrong, I know that this is because of me. You couldn't take the constant fights and my anger towards the world because what you wanted was a baby and what I wanted was death. You saw bright sky's and pretty flowers, I saw dull grey's and dead roses. We were different and no matter how much we wanted to be together, we. were. different. It wasn't because of her that the last thing you said to me was "you're insane, get help before I get it for you," it was my fault and only my fault. I'm now realizing that and with every realization, my heart beats slower and my breathing becomes faster. I lost you because of me and because of you, I lost me too.