Untitled Story

Lost & Found

The moon shone above my pale face. I had been walking in one direction for days as I hobbled my way across the canyon. Currently I was to the point where I couldn't even remember why I had been walking so far and for so long. Suddenly a wave of  exhaustion flooded over me and I felt like I was drowning. My lungs began to deflate and my breathing slowed. Vision blurring, heart pounding in my ears, I collapsed and banged my head on a sharp rock.
    "Ow!" I gasped. Hot tears streamed from my eyes. I felt awful and like the world for me was over. I'm so tired, weak in the arms, knees, and mind. If I'm going to die like this, someone just come and kill me now to take me out of my misery. Short and shallow sobs echoed throughout the canyon as my head throbbed and bled. After a while I slowly started to hear my sobs less and less. I couldn't tell if I had finally gotten over the pain, or if my ears were just tired of hearing it. A high pitched sound began to squeak in my ears and my vision smudged and blurred until it was gone. Or what it felt like, for good.

***
    A rusted blue old fashioned Volkswagen bug screeched into our alley way. My eyes began to well with tears as I rushed outside and into the arms of my grandma as she quickly rushed out of her car.
"It's okay baby." She whispered in my ear over and over again as my head was buried in the crook of her neck. Sobbing, she pulled me into the front passenger seat of the car and crawled over into the driver's seat. I wanted to ask her where we were going, but the tears filled my throat and I couldn't speak. I cried the whole hour and a half to my grandma's house. Once we had arrived, she managed to pry me out of the old black car seat and drag me inside.
"Hush up," she whispered kindly to me.
"Have some of this water and I'll explain." I grabbed onto the sippy cup she handed me and drank from it quickly. At the same time my grandma explained what was happening to my life and why my whole world was spinning out of control. She told me that my parents had left and was notified by one of their friends that my parents had gone. Once my grandma found out that my parents were gone she immediately came to get me. At the time I didn't understand why my parents had left. I thought I had done something wrong or my parents wanted to go on vacation without me. But my silly ignorant eight year old self was so very wrong.

***

My crusty eyelids opened to the sight of a blazing sun shining in my direction. I let out a slow yawn and stretched my limbs. I felt like I was a starfish that got caught out of water for too long and was now baking in the sun. Slowly I lifted myself up from my uncomfortable sleeping position.
"What the...?" I wondered as I felt the back of my head. It was warm, but there was dried blood caked on top of my hair. Rolling my eyes in frustration, I thought about why I was even on this hike. What was the point of going through all this pain? Is there even going to be a gain? Then I realized, I wouldn't put myself up to something this extreme for no reason. As I remembered why I was here, I felt my knees began to shake uncontrollably. Suddenly my knees collapsed as I was standing there, and I crumpled to the ground in a pile of tears.

***

It was my twelfth birthday. I felt old and mature so insisted to my grandma that I should have no party. She agreed with my decision mainly because having no party was no burn to her thin wallet. In the morning of my birthday I arose from my sleep to the smell of sweet croissants. Rushing downstairs, I galloped to my birthday breakfast.
"Happy birthday sweetie! These chocolate croissants are all for you. I love you so much." My grandma smiled her toothless smile, where she just turns up  the corners of her lips. I extended my arms and gave her a big hug as I smiled back. Croissants to any other kid were not close to a big deal, but my grandma was retired and was quickly running out of money. Food as nice and posh as this were a rare occasion for my tastebuds.
I finished downing my food. My grandma began to talk to me again, but this time her eyes were more sad and serious than just a few minutes ago.
"Kayla. You're older now. Twelve in fact, and I'm so happy you've turned such a great and special age! I wish I could have gotten you a gift, but you know my wallet just can't pay for everything my heart knows you deserve." She laughed, and I let out a fake smile.
"So I decided I would give you a different gift instead. You can't see it or touch it, but you can feel it as an emotion. With age comes responsibility, and I'm lifting a big weight on your shoulders." She paused, and a shiver rushed down my spine. What is going on? Why is grandma acting so strange and tense?
"Four years ago, I picked you up in an old blue car and took you into my care. These have been the best four years of my life. But..." Her eyes began to well with tears. I could feel my lip quiver and my shoulders drop.
    "Grandma, what's going on?" I asked.
She breathed a deep breath and scanned the room. Suddenly her eyes fell upon mine and she frankly said, "I have cancer. I'm, so, so, so, so, a million times, sorry. I won't be here for much longer and the clock is running. I want to make the time stop so I can stay here with you forever but I can't. And I wish I was strong enough to. I'm sorry." A billion emotions radiated through my body. I cried as I thought about leaving my grandma. I have no one left in my family, and my grandma is all I have. I was so scared to leave her.
"You can't leave grandma. I'm going to make you stay. Mom and dad are already gone. I can't lose you. I can't. Or- I will just go with you! I'll do all the same surgeries as you, I'll shave my head with you, and I'll die with you. I know I can't live my life without you." I meant every word I said, but my grandma didn't want me to mean it.
"That's so sweet, my child. But whether cancer got trapped inside me or not, I would die before you anyways. You are going to have to learn how to live without me, whether you like it or not."
"Well I don't like it!"  I screamed in her face. Now I was furious. I couldn't handle my own emotions, and I felt like I was going to explode. I stomped upstairs and slammed the door. Normally my grandma would come running after me, but this time she didn't. I was angry that she wasn't following me, so I shouted the worst thing I had ever said to her.
"Why don't you just die now and get it over with! I already know what it's like living without you! I can survive this! I don't need you! And don't you dare go coming after me up here. No-uh, I'm done!" Tears cascaded down my hot face. I felt like a pile of garbage that had been rotting away for years. What had made me the meanest, ungrateful granddaughter? I should have gone down and hugged her for as long as I could. I didn't have much time left with her, and I wasted the clock on screaming at her. Looking back at it now, I want to yell at my twelve year old self. I want to say you are so stupid! Oh, only if I knew what would happen next.

***

"You're so foolish!" I said to myself. I knew why I was hiking. I just didn't want to admit it. But now, I guess I have to. Sometimes it's hard to face the truth. The truth can either set you free or it can pin you down like a heavyweight.
I walked down in the direction of the horizon. Part of me wished there was a big cliff at the end of the canyon where I could scream my lungs out over. In the back of my mind though, I knew that I should just tell myself why I was on this hike. But I couldn't get my mind to comprehend what was happening and acknowledge the truth. Frankly, it would be much easier to scream until I was horse than to face what I knew was real. Reality is a boundary and a heart breaker, and I just wasn't ready for my heart to snap.
I had no way of comforting myself, and I felt like I had nowhere to turn. I slowly sat down and rolled into a ball. I sniffled and took some deep breaths. My head and my heart ached. I felt as if I had nothing left, and I couldn't keep my little calm anymore. That lonely night, I cried my confused self to sleep.

***

The day was surprisingly sunny for a funeral. I had awoke early that morning. The sun shone through the skylight and seeped into my brain. I rose out of my bed with a jolt and the realization of what the day had in store for me.
Walking down the stairs towards the kitchen I quickly grabbed my wallet, slipped on some black flats, and headed out the door.
I walked across the street and into my local flower shop. The women who owned the store and worked there had strange hours. She was open from 5 a.m until 4 p.m. Today her hours were convenient for me because I had gotten up so early. Otherwise it's mostly a hassle to get to her shop after work.
"Welcome. Roses are half off today," said the women. Her hair was thin and thick black. It glistened in the morning light and her old fair skin blended in with the white wall behind her.
"Great. I'm going to a funeral, and I'm not really sure what flowers to get for this... occasion."
Her green eyes softened as the said, "Aw you poor thing! I hope you're doing ok. I'll just go ahead and make a bouquet for you. Take a mint while I do so." She said this as she gestured to an overflowing bowl of sweet red and white striped mints.
"Thanks," I mumbled as I popped one in my mouth.
"So, I hope you don't mind me asking this, but whose funeral are you going to?" The women cut delicate flowers of various colors and gathered them in her hand.
"No I don't mind at all. I'm going to my grandma's funeral. She was such a lovely lady, I miss her so much. So much so that most of the time I don't know what to do with myself." I sighed and threw another mint in my mouth to keep myself from tearing up.
"Why was she so important to you? For me personally my grandma was a mere family member that I saw a couple of times a year." She paused and then added, "I apologize I am asking so many personal questions. I don't really get many customers and I get talkative when someone comes in." Chuckling, she grabbed some blue tissue paper and wrapped the 5 flowers in it.
"It's fine. As a matter fact, I haven't talked to many people in a while either. My grandma was important to me for many personal reasons. But after she died I realized a shocking truth for myself. That people learn, early on in their lives, what is their reason for being*. And for me, she was my reason."

***

    The next time I woke up the golden sun was just setting as the cotton candy pink and scattered violet filled the sky around it. I must have slept through the whole day. What a waste of time that is. At this thought I realized I needed to get up and do something. I needed to stop slacking and face my fears. I could live in fear all I wanted, but my fear would eventually crush me and I would tumble into a deep everlasting quiet.
You can do it Kayla. Just take a deep breath and say it. No one is going to hear it but you. I had to muster up as much confidence as I could get to admit something this tough to myself.
I walked toward the edge of the canyon. In front of me I saw a beautiful sunset that was slowly becoming a black curtain dotted with stars. Below me I gazed down at a pitch black hole filled with the unknown. My heart felt heavy, but my mind was ready.
Sitting down, I dangled my feet over the canyon's edge. I wanted the stars to grab me and pull me under so I would never have to think or face the truth again. Although, I realized it wouldn't be any good to just disappear without trying.
I took a deep, slow breath in my nose and then exhaled through my mouth. "She's gone. Your grandma died. You, Kayla, went to her funeral and cried yourself crazy. You couldn't sleep at night and wouldn't eat during the day. So you came on this hike to relieve all your stress and find yourself again. And you've found yourself. It's time to get lost in the stars and fall into the earth."
And just like that, I realized that I was going to be ok. I might not have discovered my remedy to getting over such a big lose in a conventional and peaceful way, but in the end I did. And all that matters is that I got there. In the end a hike in the Grand Canyon was all it took to fix me.

*The sentence following this asterisk is a direct quote from the Alchemist by Paulo Coelho