Funny Love & Relationships Quotes

"If you've got them by the balls their hearts and minds will follow." John Wayne.

"Men are simple things. They can survive a whole weekend with only three things: beer, boxer shorts and batteries for the remote control.." Diana Jordan.

*** Sex, Sex, Sex ***

"Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love." Woody Allen

"The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money costs less." Brendan Francis.

"There we were in the middle of a sexual revolution wearing clothes that guaranteed we wouldn't get laid." Denis Leary

"My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself." Emo Philips

"It's better to be black than gay because when you're black you don't have to tell your mother." Charles Pierce.

"A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'." Woody Allen

"We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture." Robin Williams.

"Life is a sexually transmitted disease and the mortality rate is one hundred percent." RD Laing.

"Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions." Woody Allen

"An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex." Edgar Wallace.

"I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic." Woody Allen

"My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often." Emo Philips

"When the authorities warn you of the dangers of having sex, there is an important lesson to be learned. Do not have sex with the authorities." Matt Groening.

"Don't have sex man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start talking to them." Steve Martin.

"It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who." Joan Rivers.

"If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all." Rodney Dangerfield.

"Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go it's a pretty good one." Woody Allen

"You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life." Emo Philips

"What's the three words you never want to hear while making love? Honey, I'm home." Ken Hammond.

"Like most men, I am consumed with desire whenever a lesbian gets within twenty feet." Taki.

"Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences that money can buy." Steve Martin.

"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." Joan Rivers.

"I think people should be free to engage in any sexual practices they choose; they should draw the line at goats though." Elton John.

"My girlfiend said to me in bed last night' 'you're a pervert' I said, 'that's a big word for a girl of nine'." Emo Philips

"I'm glad I'm not bisexual. I couldn't stand being rejected by men as well as women." Bernard Manning.

"I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own." Woody Allen