A Future for Sparkhouse

Chapter 7

And so, after the secrets and emotions had all been exposed, life at Sparkhouse settled back into routine. John and Carol continued their work on the farm and in the house while Lisa continued at school, oblivious to the revelations which had spilled out concerning her. John kept his word and although it pained and frustrated him he didn't touch Carol. They shared a bedroom and a bed but he clung to his own side for fear of going back on his word and hurting her. For her part however there was definitely a softening. John had heard the worst and was still there. Slowly the memories of the past faded back into their box and the day to day routines filled their thoughts.

By summer the house was finished. It would never be a grand palace but repairs were completed and decorating done. It no longer resembled the bleak shack it had been since Carol's mum left but a cosy cottage. The farm was running as smoothly as possible with little hiccups and bumps along the way. It was Lisa who upset the fragile peace at the dinner table one evening. The three members of their little family were tucking in to pie and veg when she piped up "So, no baby news yet then?" Carol stared at her in confusion while John's mind leapt back to the conversation he had with Lisa weeks before.
"Lisa..." he started in a warning voice.
"What do you mean baby news?" Carol asked. "Who's having a baby?"
Lisa laughed. "Well, you and John, aren't ya?" The penny dropped and she turned to John. "You haven't talked about it with her, have you?" John shook his head. Carol looked at him open mouthed. "Good thing you've got me here to help you along then!" Lisa trilled triumphantly. "He wants a baby with ya. Probably cos I've turned out so well. He wants another one just like me!"
"Shut up, Lisa" hissed John. "Shut up!" Foremost in his mind was his promise not to touch Carol until she wanted it. Of course his fear was that after all that had happened to her she would never want it, but he wasn't a man to go back on his word.
"What's she talking about, John? Have you two been discussing this? Have yer been talking about me?" Carol was stunned.
"She just asked me one day. Asked if we were going to have a baby cos that's what married couples do." The words came out with resignation, reminding John that despite their daily domesticity they didn't do what married couples do.
"And what did you say?" she asked.
"I just said maybe."
"He did, Carol. Don't be mad at him. It were all me. I just want things to be normal here. Just want you both to be happy and to have what other people have. You won't have me living here with you forever you know."
Carol felt her initial spark of anger subside. "Is that what you want John?" she asked quietly. "Do you want us to have a baby?"
John hesitated. With all his heart he wanted to have children. It had been one of his burning questions when Carol first asked him to marry her. He had always thought that if he got married he would have children. After so many years of quiet he longed to be part of something bigger - his own family. What he had with Carol and Lisa was greater than he had known before but he wanted more. And yet he still felt the fragility of his relationship with Carol and the lack of intimacy between them. He was about to shrug off the idea but something stopped him. He thought back to how open and honest Carol had been with him about her past and how he had encouraged her to tell him things. He knew if they were going to continue moving forward he had to be honest with her.
"Yes." He spoke sp quietly neither Carol nor Lisa were sure of what he said and both leaned closer. "Yes I do." he repeated a little more boldly. "For so long I've had nobody else. Just me and me grandad and then he went. I've always wanted me own family. Yes I do want a baby. More than one. And I'd like it with you." He shyly lifted his eyes to Carol. She was staring at him and gasped as she caught his look. "But you've got us now. Me and Lisa. You're not on your own."
John sank back. How could he explain it without hurting these two people who he loved? It wasn't enough because at any point they could up and go. Lisa was growing up and would head off and find her own way in a few years. Carol... who knew? John hoped beyond hope that she would stay with him and love him but he wasn't enough of an optimist to bank on that. He wanted children who he could father in every sense of the word. But did he want to bring them into this fragile home?
"I can't help it Carol," he started. "I just want a busy, lively home. I'm sick of the quiet I've had all me life. I want kids to play on the farm. I could build them a climbing frame and a slide and ... and ... maybe a goalpost or a play house."
Carol could see it. In her mind's eye she could see what John was longing for. She felt it too, suddenly. Or perhaps she had always felt it but had pushed it down, believing it wasn't possible for someone like her. "I... I want it too John." He stared at her. "You do?" Carol nodded.
"I want a place that feels like home. Where there's a mam and dad who aren't shouting and aren't ..." Her voice tailed off and she stared down at the table. John reached out to her and took her hand. He was about to speak when he caught Lisa's eye. She stood up. "I'm gonna leave you two to sort out the finer details of our future!" she announced. "Can you drop me round to Becky's, John? She asked me to go round tonight."
"Aye love, but I'm coming for you at 10. I don't want you out too late." He picked up his keys and got up. "Carol I'll be right back." He was afraid she would go somewhere or hide away from the rest of this conversation.
"I'll be here," Carol smiled. "I'll be right here."