Tears of a Bluebird

Chapter Two - The Beginning

Chapter Two

# The Beginning

"It's hard Doctor, trying to live – in fact it's becoming unbearable. You've no idea... of this pain! Knowing that ones child is gone forever.... I mean, you give birth to them, right? And you have all these dreams for them. You want them to have everything you didn’t as a child; to be loved and to be safe. You can’t be with them all the time, can’t protect them every second — and it hurts! I don’t know who I am any more, you know. It's like I've lived for just over three years with the horror of not being allowed to mother my child, but he was alive and healthy; better off I told myself. These thoughts kept me going; kept me to endure the torture. But now! Now that I know he's dead. Actually dead! I feel like I’m – well – I’m dead too, just floating around aimlessly trying to live my life, act like nothings wrong, when really everything’s wrong – terribly wrong! Really you just want to hold your child… I… I just want to hold him, see him, love and protect him, even though I never could. But now he’s gone, really gone! They took him from me… twice! He’s dead now, and so my heart no longer beats, just like his. I've waited so long for Death to finally collect me but... but I always thought that after you died you gained peace? I'm still waiting on peace." – there became a pause here – "It's funny, I say Death a lot. I never really knew what Death was as a child...

I was about seven years old when I got an idea of what it meant. For my budgie, Robbie, had died and father said that God would heal Robbie's broken wings up in the beautiful Heavens with him and that Robbie would always look down on me. It wasn't until I met Zackary's father when I found out the true meaning of Death. He made Death sound so horrible compared to fathers definition; for Zackary's father said Death is the ending of ones life. He says it's painful, too, but one must not worry for we are all born into this world through pain and it's through pain in which we depart. He told me that Death is, in truth, the ending of ones life; that it's total extinction of ones very existence. Death is the final and permanent cessation of the heart; it kills your heart, it stops your beats – it makes your blood turn cold... But through this pain you get peace. There's millions of people on this Earth; all being born, all dying. Thousands of people die needlessly every second of the day, but I'm selfish and I will not have myself believe that my son was fated to die, Doctor! He was so young, so happy. It just doesn't feel real to me. I don't believe that he's dead, and it's this weight upon my heart which is making me so tired and ill.... And this noise!" I brought my fingernails up to my forehead and dug them into my flesh. "It won't stop! It's all I've heard since... it happened. It just keeps screeching, never stopping. It's left me with no filter; no skin. I feel everything now; the pain, the torment, the loss... everything! Argh! Why won't it JUST STOP?"

For a moment I stopped talking, only focusing on the excruciating noise renting through my mind, before I mumbled, "Humph... filter."

"What must I do to help you?" The doctor questioned.

"You can let me give up." I stared up into the doctors glazed eyes. "Please? Can't I just stop now? If I'm honest I don't want to live on like this, not for some time... I need to go away for a while, Doctor, far away to get better. You know, to stop this noise in my head. I know Anna, Connor and Nessa – they'll miss me, perhaps even Janey, but it's for my own good... I can't bare the headaches any longer."

"Are you sure about this, kid?" There were tears in the doctors eyes when I nodded my head.

"I just want to sleep. Get better then come back – get better and then come back... The father said I can't go on sleeping all the time but we'll see about that..."

Dr. Grey leaned over and he put his big hand on top of my own and he squeezed it, tears almost falling from his eyes, then he led me somewhere. I didn't realise I was outside the Harrington's house, it wasn't until I saw the white picket fence with the Harrington's name on it, when I realised. My legs felt very heavy as they walked up the front garden and entered the house. Dr. Grey waited down stairs whilst I packed my few belongings into my yellow suitcase – the one I arrived with some years ago – and I closed it shut. I remembered the money which I had been saving, the coins which I stashed under a loose floorboard beneath the bed, and I told myself I would not need them where I was going. So I left them.