Left

Left You

Once you see something you would've rather not, you can't unsee it. It's like a never ending torture of picturing it every day. I never wanted to see you happy with someone else, but now that I have, that's all I can think about. Maybe you don't need me, or maybe you do, but since I left you needed a bandage for the hole in your heart. Although, I don't think you care that I left.
It was a simple, "I can't take this anymore," and you just said, "Okay," and those were our last words. It's been 4 months, who am I kidding? Am I overreacting? You SHOULD be moved on, I mean, I should be, nevertheless I'm the one who left. I left for myself, which was selfish, but I didn't think you loved me.
We spent a year and three months together, counting every week up until the thirteenth month of us. 368 days. That's when we stopped counting, well, you did. You stopped showing up monthly and saying, "Happy whatever month anniversary!" I didn't get roses anymore and you didn't kiss me the same. I kinda suspected you were cheating.
Oh fuck, I almost knew you were cheating. I'm not a crazy girlfriend, I did a little investigation but you shut me down. You called me crazy, a controlling bitch even. I'm not crazy, nor controlling. We could possibly agree on the bitch part. You weren't cheating, not completely anyway.
There were other girls you thought were beautiful which you emphasized, a LOT, of course I thought other guys were attractive but I didn't say something like, "Hey sexy" in public. Okay, that's kind of a stretch. You never called anyone sexy, except me. Not that I know of, but "Hey beautiful" is close enough.
You weren't cheating. But our relationship went downhill after that incident. You stopped calling me after work and texting me good morning. You started getting irritated easier and you hadn't called me beautiful in WEEKS. I thought it was time to let go after that. But, I stayed for 2 more months to see if anything would change.
Something did. You started drinking and listening to Drake more, one day I asked if you were in your feelings and you threw a beer bottle at me. You missed, but it scared the shit out of me. Drunk, he's drunk, is what I told myself. Drunks are fucking insane.
I was never like that, the drunk fuck listening to songs about having hoes on a Saturday night. I was Coldplay and ice cream on Thursday nights.
This wasn't you, you were like me. We met at a Coldplay concert anyway. You told me they were your favorite band.
They're not anymore.
But you're not you anymore.
Maybe you are, again, but I wouldn't know.
Back to my point, I saw you at Starbucks with a young girl. Younger than me, great, you're looking for a young and vulnerable fuck buddy now. I never thought you'd get like this, and I don't know what started it. I keep blaming myself, I know I didn't do this to you. Did I? I left you but you wanted me to. Didn't you?
I stood in line waiting to order my hot chocolate. Yes, I'm the type to go to Starbucks to get hot coco. It's December, and it's cold as shit outside, but I shoved furry boots and ear muffs that don't even fit my big head on. My coat wasn't nearly warm enough for this weather. I always wore your old coats, but I don't have you anymore.
You sat over with the 7th grader, okay stretch, she might be a freshman.. in high school. We're both sophomores in college. Why would you do this to me? Or, yourself even? Isn't this going to be technically rape?
Oh god, they'll bring me to court to talk about my sex life with you in the past. They'll ask if you ever raped me or hurt me, or maybe they'll just ask her. Why did I have to think about sex, oh my god, I just lost my appetite. I left the coffee shop and got in my roommates car.
While I was with you for the last two months, I'll admit, it was mostly for myself. I was looking for a replacement, I didn't cheat, but honestly, I tried so hard to find someone else before I broke it off with you. It didn't work. I think my problem is, I think I need someone to keep me happy. But, so far, that's been true. I'm an absolute hot mess lately. I lost a bobby pin in my hair yesterday and I started crying right then and there, in the middle of economics 101. Over a bobby pin. To be fair though, I spent like 45 minutes doing my hair and that one bobby pin that got lost in my hair fucked everything up.
I cry over everything. The only thing I haven't cried over since we broke up was when the pizza guy came to Rachel, my roommate, and I's apartment and said he forgot the god damned BREADSTICKS. I was so close to crying, breadsticks are literally my favorite thing in the world, but, I couldn't, the pizza guy was way too attractive.
That's beside the point, I cry over everything. Rachel says I need help, sometimes, other times she says I need you. Not you emotionally but physically. She thinks I need to be more engaged in my sex life. "You're in college and you sit at home crying over potato chips not actually being potatoes, please go to this party with me." Is what she said last night.
So, I went. Turns out what I thought would be a cool and collected "party with less than 100 people" was actually more like World War III-diot to see who could get the most drunk and get the most girls. Basically, guys at that party were looking for anything to stick their dick in. I left early, because I saw you. You weren't doing anything idiotic, which I was proud of. You were standing by the kitchen drinking whatever was in your red solo cup, probably beer, and checking your watch.. a lot. I wondered what you were waiting for, but it's none of my business. We made eye contact for a couple of seconds too, but no hand gestures or mouthed words. Not like I can read lips anyway.
You were always the one to tell me my lips were like your favorite book because you read them all the time. It's cheesy, and inaccurate because you've only read your favorite book, Neverwhere, twice, but I still smiled and called you a goofball, because I loved you. Your pick up lines were my favorite, even after you got me you still said them to me. You knew I loved rain, there were a lot of pick up lines about weather. You knew me better than I knew myself and maybe that was why I needed you. Maybe that's why I need you.
I started the car, I was crying thinking about you again. God, I'm such a crybaby. I'll be fine, I just need to move on. Seriously.