it was a good thanksgiving night.
I spent it with a guy I currently had feelings for having no idea I'd wake up the next morning to find out a guy I used to have feelings for, feelings stronger than the ones I currently had for the guy laying on my couch, had gotten into a car accident on his way to see his fiancée and their child the night before.
when I was kissing that boys lips, I had no idea I'd be spending the majority of the next two months trying to fuck the pain away and collapsing on my bedroom floor.
i spent the next two days praying, something I rarely do and something I should start doing more than I have.
I kept praying that God would heal him, that he'd lead him onto recoveries path.
I even went to church that Sunday morning. Everything felt broken and I needed to be in a place where things didn't feel that way but rather felt united by the cross and at heart.
But that's the very same place that I got the text that tore my world apart.
It was the end of the service, about 12:06.
I had just finished praying for him.
I had several texts messages ranging between just dots
and "oh my gods"
I didn't even have to ask what they were about to say,
I knew that he'd been taken away.
I knew that the guy who, in personal finance class, sat two rows over from me
the guy who lived right down the street
the guy who was my best friend
the one I confided in
the guy i loved beyond what words could ever tell
and the guy who put me through hell
was dead.
he is dead,
and there are so many things that I have said
over and over but it's never enough.
my eyes keep on crying, for the guy I once loved.
