Tick, tock.
Phil glances at his phone. 11:55. He blinks his bleary eyes, looking down onto his bedroom floor. It was New Year's Eve, which was one of his favourite things to celebrate. Was. But instead of being around those he loved, reminiscing on the year that has past, he is sitting alone in his room, back against the door. He doesn't want to remember much of this year.
The beginning of the year was great. He remembers the first thing he did as soon as the countdown reached zero. He remembers the pull of Dan's hand towards him, the warmth of the younger man against him. He remembers being pulled in for a kiss, words murmured from Dan's lips.
'Happy 2012, Phil. This should be the best year yet'.
Phil also remembers the feel of Dan go stiff under him, his eyes darting across the room. Remembers when Dan kept talking, but from a distance.
The second time Phil noticed Dan keeping away was when they both got the confirmation from the BBC that they could have their full-time radio show. They were in the radio executive's office, where they were told the news. They both jumped out of their seats, overjoyed of this new opportunity. Phil went in to hug Dan in excitement. Dan jerked away before Phil even got close. He saw the fear in Dan's eyes.
He didn't push it.
Phil confronted him about it, a few times. He considered himself an understanding man, a patient soul. But he could not wrap his head around why suddenly Dan didn't want to be publicly affectionate anymore.
Usually, the older man would leave the subject alone - he can't force someone to act in a way they don't want to. But this new, colder, version of his boyfriend had creeped into their private lives. Treating Phil like a stranger in his own home. Anytime Phil reached out a hand to him, whether it to pat Dan on the shoulder, put an arm around him on cold nights, he was treated with hostility. A quiet sorry and they would both part.
When Phil questioned him, Dan got defensive.
Quickly. Dan dismissed him with -
It's fine, Phil. But what if someone sees?
Or if Phil reminded him that they were alone, Dan replied with -
'I've just got a lot to think about, okay?'
Or, on the worse days -
'Why are you asking so many questions?'
Dan always stormed off when Phil tried to talk about his feelings. He remembers the sound of Dan's door slamming shut, the noise ringing around the flat.
