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Winning entry for‪ #‎NOVELISTASMyStory‬

" Almost A Love Story "

For me, there are two kinds of person you'll become once you've broken your heart.

First, you'll be the bad one.
Mag e-emo ka, magkakalat ng kung anu-anong bagay tungkol dun sa taong nanakit sa'yo. Mag fa-fake ka ng facade na happy ka and that he will be just someone you've known from the past even though what you really feel inside is that the whole world has now turned it's back on you and that everybody else is not significant in your life anymore.

Maghahanap ka ng ibang taong makaka fulfill ng pagkawala niya. That longingnes na di mo mapunan-punan sa sarili mo. A hole that will always be drilled on your heart that no one can really heal but only cover it. In short magiging bitter ka.

Second. You'll be the good one.

Kahit na masakit, you'll see the break-up as a new beginning, a fresh start,a new breathe of fresh air and a pause from the havoc in your life. A new door that's going to open for you.

You'll make yourself believe na sa bawat araw ang ginagawa mo ay to help yourself from bleeding. To start a new day in the chapter of your life. You'll have a renewed faith and a belief that everything happens for a purpose. That maybe God has much better plan for me like He has for him.

Magiging masaya ka rin. Sooner or later you'll see yourself as a new person, wiser and stronger.

Sa dalawang yun, I chose the latter.

It happened in college. I was a freshman back then. Carefree, friendly, immature and all that I care in the world was to study.

Then out of nowhere, he came, he happened.

He approached me one night during a party. Member kasi siya ng official band ng campus. They performed. Natakot ako nang malaman ko kung anong gusto niya sa akin.

That same night, I rejected him.

Baket? There are some people who are afraid of attachments. I must say I'm one of them.

Natakot akong ma attach sa kanya so lahat ng ginagawa niya ni rereject ko. I was afraid na baka pag nahulog na ako, hindi na niya ako saluhin. Na baka pag mahulog ako di ko na kayanin pang umakyat.

I fear love. Natatakot ako na once na pumasok na siya sa buhay ko, it will break the walls I've been building all throughout the years. I fear that once my walls started to crumble and fall, I won't be able to build it up again the way it used to be because I know that moment I myself has also been shattered to pieces.

So I pushed him away, just like what I did back then. I didn't want him to get hurt.

"Ayokong masaktan ka.."

But he persevered. With every part of the wall he was able to break he became one step closer to me. To that vulnerable person inside me whom I tried so hard to trap so as not to expose my ability, to be weak, to love and the worst -to get hurt.

Months passed...

I saw myself falling for him. Falling for the very first person who has ever touched my heart. I tried to push him away again this time and run. Away from this person who created havoc in my system. Away from the person whom I have given the power to hurt me.

2nd Sem...

As much as I want to push him again, a part of me wanted to hold on to him tighter. That part of me screamed and longed to be loved, to not fear any attachments, to not let go of him.

For the first time in forever, I felt something for him that I never felt before. It was alien to me. So, my mind started to panick. I was beginning to feel something I didn't want to feel in the first place and I hate it. I was afraid that I might fall again but deeper this time. Can he accept the complicated, eccentric me?

So I asked myself again. I don't want to give in. I'm a coward for love. I don't like to feel being hurt. It's the reason why I build my walls in the first place. I caged my heart for some reasons. I made the wall cold and stone, so as not to allow any emotions pass through it. I'm at loss when it comes to hurt. It scars me. Like those battle scars on your skin but actually wounded you skin deep.

I hate what I was feeling that time. Hindi ako makatingin sa kanya ng diretso sa kadahilanang I lose my train of thoughts the instant those black orbs met mine. Ayokong hinahawakan niya ako. I hate my skin for longing his touch. Ayokong tinatawag niya ako, for my heart stops at the moment then beat again erratically.

January..

It seemed to me that he has now become the most important person in my life that time. So, sinagot ko siya. He was happy, I was too..half-heartedly for I know this attachment could grow stronger anytime. I was being cautious enough not to let my guard down. But I was wrong. I longed for him more. I loved him more than I was capable of. But I was afraid for myself . Afraid that he may hurt me, that maybe I would give every little of my self and my person that one day if this bubble burst there's nothing left of me anymore.

But my heart screamed different. There were times when I asked myself - " Ako ba talaga 'to?"
For all I saw in me was joy and glow. Joy, because I learned that I was capable of loving someone not complicated as me. Glow, because finally, I was experiencing the glory of first love, the feeling of being loved by someone else.

Summer...

Naging busy siya. Ako naman, araw-araw nag-aabang sa mga text niya. I became too demanding of his attention without realizing that he too has some other problems and that he has other things to prioritize aside from me.

Days and months passed..

"Don't bother my life anymore nuff said" those were the last seven words repeating on my mind before I replied with "Okay same here.."

That moment, I didn't cry. Why would I, I saved some for myself didn't I?

That was what I thought. Nakita mo na? This is why I don't let people in my life. This is why I hate attachments. Because the moment they walked out of my life they take with them something na never ko nang mababawi pa and I hate myself for falling.

I was afraid of hurt. It was beginning to envelope me. So I decided not to feel it. I shut down my mind for every possible things that would make me remember him. I chose to become a good person.

I became a ticking bomb ready to explode anytime. But before I explode I started picking up the broken pieces of my wall and started mending it again. I enclosed my self with the cold walls once more and for the first time in forever, I felt safe and secure.

P.S. I didn't know what had become of the two of us. But if this isn't too much to ask, I want to remember our short lived story. So, advance happy monthsary this coming Sunday. :)