Chapter 18

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Things were rocky between Axel and me. He hadn't believed me, he hadn't taken my evidence to heart. I know that I have made mistakes before. I know that I have done stupid things. Breaking up my brother from Olivia Helix was not one of the mistakes that I would regret, I probably shouldn't have gotten involved, yes, but I didn't regret it. Having Athena was not a regret.

One regret I did have was sleeping with a man right after he declared to destroy me. What I regretted was having a one night stand with a person I knew nothing about, I was taught better than that. I regret that I had kept to myself except for my small exclusive friends.

I realized with my little list of regrets that my life revolved around Athena. Everything that I did was for her and to give her a better life. I was proud of that, however, I didn't really have anything to call my own. All my achievements were based on being a good mother for my daughter, or trying to.

Before Athena, I had been living my life for my father. Trying to meet his expectations. I was always reaching for the goals that he had set for me. Not one thing I had done in my life was for me... Except for when I had slept with Axel, both times. He had been my rebelling against all that I had been doing for other people, from the control other people had in my life. I tried to justify it by this by thinking that I was in control and that I knew what I was doing. That's a lie. I had thought and reasoned with the idea that I wanted it. I did want it. That I deserved some time to kick back and relax, but really. Sleeping with Axel only made me stress more than I should have, I know that isn't a proper excuse. So I came to my final conclusion.

I'm a masochist.

I know a lot of parents live for their kids, but I don't think it is a healthy habit to put all my happiness on one little person. I know that Athena will always be my daughter that I will never lose her, however, I have finally come to the conclusion that I need to find a happiness outside of my daughter. The scary part about that was that, the only thing that I could think of that made me somewhat happy, was spending time with Axel.

This complete and total asshole, who I had a one night stand with. I liked spending time with him. This was the guy who had disappeared from the room after we had slept together, the same guy who took photo evidence to destroy and ruin my reputation. The guy who slept with me after declaring that he was going to destroy me.

The father to my child.

How is it that he had so many negative points against him and yet I still wanted to spend time with him? I still wanted him around? I didn't understand it. Logically, I should have written him off, gotten a restraining order against him for harassment and washed my hands of him. I didn't. He was spending time with our daughter. He was helping me plan for her 5th birthday. The party was in a week and he still showed up every day to see Athena. I shouldn't have let him anywhere near Athena. That little girl was my greatest achievement and my greatest treasure, I let him have a chance to know her. How did I know that he wasn't going to walk out on her? It's obvious to see that I dote on the little child. If he broke her heart, he would in turn, destroy me.

If Athena got hurt because I allowed Axel into our lives, I don't know if I'd be able to forgive myself.

I understand that I am taking a chance on him, I just don't want that chance to also be on Athena. Isn't she too young to understand the loss of a parent. Essentially, if Axel left, she would lose her father.

"Ell," A voice broke into my fretting, I looked up to see the very person of my dramatic thoughts. I sat up from my bed and looked up at him with a forced smile. The tension had been heavy between us, since two days ago with our little Olivia and Lyn drama. I disliked that our siblings' past seemed to be creating a rift between us, but then again, maybe it was for the good?

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