Damaged » h. styles au

Chapter 39 - Harry

“I don’t know,” Kirsten said sincerely, and I breathed out. “I don’t… I don’t know what this weird thing I feel when you’re near is. Look, don’t get me wrong. I do appreciate that you’re starting to care about me, and I do appreciate how you try to be gentle with me even when I’m rude at you, but you need to stop. Styles, you’re going to ruin yourself. You like what you see, but you don’t know what’s under this. It won’t be fun to see whom I am inside. You’re not ready to handle me. Just enjoy your good life, don’t screw it because of me,” the last sentence left her mouth in nothing but a whisper, and she let go of my face, holding herself in her own arms as I learned to know it was a habit.

“What are you saying?” I asked, not really waiting for an answer. Instead, I pulled her by the arm until she was pressed against my chest. Totally against her will, I held her tightly, burying my face in her hair until she gave in and wrapped her arms around my waist. “Kirsten, I don’t care what you say, I already told you I am not leaving. I don’t know who you truly are, or what the hell happened to you that makes you so damn traumatized, but I don’t care! I’m not scared of ruining my life. Let me worry about that, okay? Just please, stop pushing me away. I’m in a way I won’t be able to think straight if you keep doing that; I can’t bear staying away from you, do you understand that? Do you know how it’s like not bearing the thought of staying away from someone?”

She sobbed silently, hugging my tighter against her. I could almost hear her breaking down in my arms. I could feel every single piece of her falling, and it scared me I might not know how to catch them. I needed to help her. I couldn’t remember in which moment we got to this, but she was opening up now and she was breaking.

“Go away, Harry,” she whispered, and for the first time I heard her say my actual name. It sounded as if she didn’t have enough strength to utter the words. “I’m already taken,” she sobbed again, but I knew she wasn’t sure about saying it. I could feel her heart begging me to contradict her and to say I was going to stay; and that’s what I was going to do.

“Give up, there’s not enough excuses to push me away. I’m already decided to stay with you.”

She pulled away, wiping away her tears with the sleeve of her jacket while she leaned on the tree, trying to keep her balance.

“Ugh, you don’t get it,” now she sounded annoyed again. How’s it possible that she changes her humor so damn fast? “Styles, I am not a princess from those fairytales where you can fix them. You. Can’t. Fix. Me! I’ve even taken someone’s life away,” Kirsten said, fighting the tears from falling again. What? What had she just said? My expression must’ve been really shocked, because she laughed humorlessly while looking at me. “Yeah, you heard right. I’ve already killed a person. Twice. You sure you still want to try to save the troubled girl? I wouldn’t be so sure if I were you.”

I shook my head, trying to push away the several dark scenes that showed up in my mind; many of them trying to fill my brain with awful pictures of Kirsten taking someone’s life away. She wasn’t serious.

“You don’t mean it, you just want to scare me. Let me tell you something, it’s not working. Already told you I am going nowhere,” I stated, trying to sound as sure as I could. Why did she want to push me away so much? She likes me!

“Styles, stop being stupid. I’m not making anything up. I have many ways of pushing you away; lying is not one of them. Truth is pretty much what you need to give up on me. I’m telling you, I’m worse than what you think. Whoever looks at me thinks I’m a whore, I’m rude, I’m pathetic. And it’s true. It’s actually worse than what they think; I’m dirtier than what they see. Go back to your perfect life and stop playing the hero here. You’re too grown for that.”