When We Sleep...

“We should get home.” she whispered, not moving her eyes from me. I nodded silently and swallowed. She stepped away from me and turned to face the right direction. She made to untangle our fingers, but I held on tight. She looked up to my face and I saw tears glistening in her eyes. I tightened my fingers around hers and together we walked back to our apartment.

-*-*-*-

As we were climbing the stairs she stumbled, and I immediately wrapped my arms around her waist and pulled her up against me. She was visibly shaking, so I held her closer. She grasped onto my arms and closed her eyes as she breathed slowly and deeply, trying to calm her down. I bent my head forward just a bit and pressed my nose into her sweet smelling hair, letting my presence help her. I inhaled the scent of jasmine, never wanting to lose the feeling. Slowly she calmed down, the shaking soon stopping altogether.

“You okay?” I asked her quietly.

“Yeah, just a dizzy spell.” she whispered back. I nodded into her hair before releasing her. She held on to my right arm though, and together we walked into our apartment. When we entered she let go of my hand and walked to her bedroom. I made my way to the kitchen, feeling a hot cup of coffee calling my name. I heard the shower start as I got the beans out. By the time I had finished making the drink the shower had shut off and the TV had come on. I walked towards the door and leaned against the frame, staring into the living room.

Madison sat on the couch covered by an old woollen afghan. Her legs were curled up under her body and she was leaning against an arm of the couch. Her hair was damp and pulled back into a loose ponytail. She was wearing her normal sleeping attire of an old t-shirt and a too big pair of pyjama pants. She was smiling at something on the screen. She looked exactly like she did every other night, except this wasn’t any other night.

And it hit me. She was going to be gone. Madison, Maddie, Nemo… she was going to be gone. I was never going to see her laugh at one of my corny jokes, or burn the toast ever morning. She was my best friend, the one good, stable thing in my entire life and she was going to die. Tears sprung into my eyes and I couldn’t fight them away. My entire life revolved around Madison, what was I going to do without her, without a purpose. I couldn’t imagine a life without her, without the constant teasing and pranks and laughter. Maddie had been there through everything, seen me in every mood. How was I supposed to survive without her? I must have made some sound because she looked away from the TV and towards me. There was an unknown emotion burning in her steady gaze. I stared back, trying to remember it. The tears were threatening to erupt though, and I couldn’t let her see them.

“I think I’m gonna go out.” I said. She nodded and smiled at me. The tears arrived again and I made a quick exit.

“Don’t forget your jacket.” she called out and I choked on a sob. I almost sprinted to the door and threw it open. I had to get somewhere where I could break down in peace, and I could only think of one place, Amy’s house.

-*-*-*-

I knocked on the door of my sort-of, not really girlfriend’s door, hoping to God she was alone. The door flung open and there she stood in a pair of sweatpants with her blonde hair in a messy bun. Her grey eyes scanned me critically, before quickly stepping aside and letting me in. I walked past her into the kitchen where I froze at the island. My hands clenched into fists as I fought to control the pain in my chest. Amy came to stand in front of me, her hands on her hips.

“What’s wrong Zach? What happened?” she asked and I felt the hole in my chest grow.

I took a deep breath before replying quietly, “It’s Maddie.”