Game for Two

Explanation | Part I

I sigh. I guess after all we've been through together, I owe him an explanation. He deserves to know why. I gesture for him to go inside and I follow behind him.  Once we are inside, I make sure that all the places where anyone could possibly peer into are shut.  I hesitate briefly, his look unsure of what to expect. I then show him the biggest secret I've ever kept from him. I show him my left shoulder. 

I point to the various scars. "Switchblade. February 19, 11 years ago." He just stares in shock.

I then show him my right shoulder. "Broken beer bottle. March 27, 12 years ago." All the color drains from his face. "After he was done shredding it with broken glass, he fractured it." 

"With what?" he asks me. 

"With a lead pipe." I say. "And remember that time that I 'broke' my ankle? It was more than a break. He completely shattered it. With the same pipe." When I catch his gaze, I see that he is on the verge of tears; something I haven't seen from him in years. I give him a tight hug. 

"Why? What the hell did you do to deserve that?" he asks me. 

"I ask myself that everyday. And always come up empty on answers." I tell him. 

"What else did he do?" he asks reluctantly.

"There's more to it than the visible scars."  is my reply. 

Greyson starts shaking and his grip tightens. He shakes his head. 

"I know I just asked, but I can't right now. I need to know but... I just can't right now." he says. 

"Alright. That's fine. Take your time. I did." I tell him. Honestly, I'm glad that he didn't want me to say it. I don't know if I would have been able to relive it and keep myself together. 

I let go of him and step back so that I can look him in the eye. I always have been the short one.

"Hey, it's okay. What's important is tha-" I say. I don't finish the sentence.

"It's important that what?" he asks.

"Nevermind." I say, shaking my head. 

It's not important that I'm still here. He doesn't need me. I love Maeve and Skylar dearly, but Greyson and Spencer are the only two people I need. I need them more than they need me. 

Time crawling forward, I try to imagine how this will all play out. Like a chess game, I always try to think several steps in advance. This time, I may have lost. While he is still facing away from the door, I silently move toward it, slipping between the door and the frame like smoke out an open window. 

I run outside onto the porch to collect my thoughts. The idea of being in an enclosed space right now is too much to handle. Collecting my thoughts, I run off the porch and into the open space of the yard. Trying to suppress the tears coming to my eyes, I just focus on the chill of the air. Letting it burn me, I hope it'll kill me. But what good has hope ever done me? Hope doesn't matter and wishes don't come true. 

I sit down in the yard, facing the road. I wish a car would come and be out of control and hit me.

I wish there was someplace I could go to get away from all of this shit. A paradise of my own. No palm trees, no beach, no sand, sunsets, lighthouses or any of that shit. Just someplace where nobody can possibly take everything away from me anymore. 

I must have been sitting out here for a long time. An hour and a half at the very least. Greyson walks outside and sits down next to me. we don't say anything. After a while, he checks the time. 

"6:17." he says. "You need to get going."

When I don't respond he looks over at me. 

"Fallon?" he asks, trying to get a response out of me. 

"I know." I tell him. I get up and he does the same. 

When we get inside, I make sure I have what I need. Or at least that I can take with me. I can't take Greyson with me. So all that leaves are my lighters. 

I grab the keys to my car. I look back at Greyson one last time, knowing that he would probably be the first person taken away from me. The thought makes me wish I could put a gun to my head. I walk back to where he is standing, give him a hug, and slip out the door. 

"I'll be here when you get back. Be careful." he tells me. "I need you." I wish it was true, but like I said, wishes don't come true.