Alone

Him

All the words you spoke to me, I believed them. Finally someone that accepted me for who I was. I guess it fooled me into thinking I loved you. Every word, every breath, everyday. I know I hurt you, I was afraid of what was to come. Too afraid to get close because they always leave. Thought I was saving myself the pain by pushing you away. I don't know if I'm sorry for doing so. I never even realized I was doing it.

Like an instinct, I wanted to protect myself. When we we met it was amazing and filled with laughter. After a couple months, you told me you loved me. I was in such a bad place. It's all I remember from when I was fourteen. I was always sad, every time I was alone it was hell. At first the demons I had began to play well with yours. At the time it seemed like you were the only one to believe in me. God, it seemed like you were the only person I had.

As time went by you started asking for more things. Whether it was sexts or pictures of my body, I gave them to you I didn't want you to leave me like everyone else did. I did so much for you. You destroyed me trying to fix yourself. After a few months of this, my parents found out. You were even asking my best friend for these things. All I wondered was "how could I be so fucking stupid"?
Then again I was the stupid person who went back to you. You told me you only loved me, how much you missed me. And once again, every word you breathed, was another truth for my mind to believe.
We went strong for almost a year. I thought I loved you. Maybe I was just blinded by how you claimed to love me.

During this year, it was the same cycle. You asked, I delivered. Every night, you wanted sex and that's what I gave you. You were where I went wrong. Trusting you, giving into what you wanted. I hid away from everyone. I thought I was doing something right for once. I thought you were making me happy. I was so fucking stupid. Doing all this for someone I loved, or who I thought I loved, and who I thought loved me. I was blinded by you. Never realizing the depression you brought upon me.
My head was a mess. You broke my mind. The angels I saw in your mind taunted the demons in mine. You triggered me.

I told you I didn't feel used by you but every damn second was just another hell for me and another for your pleasure. You used me as a fix..

Months went by. We Skyped every night. My mom found out again. Of course I got sad because I thought I was losing you.

My mom looked you up, and I didn't expect to hear what she told me. That broke my heart. I asked you about it you said it wasn't you. That it was someone who got your kik and that this had been going on for months now. Why would I believe it? Because I loved you of course. You told me we'd be together forever. I should've known it was a lie.

I was more depressed than ever by this point. I cried a lot in the bathroom. I was cutting myself. I wanted to die. I completely broke down one night because I thought of suicide. Except, what was different this time, is I almost went through with it. I was planning on taking everything in the medicine cabinet. I stared at all of it for a few minutes before going back to my room and breaking down.

I had no one..

You always told me how much you loved me. I trusted that so I kept doing anything you asked of me.

I hate that I still worry about you. I think the only reason I do is because you yourself were suicidal and I didn't want to live knowing I couldn't save you.

December came along. I met another guy online. You and me weren't speaking because you didn't like the fact I liked a band more than you (who could blame me at this point).

This guy, I'll call him Beau for the sake of privacy, he, he changed me. During Christmas, I was depressed but he made me feel better. We talked day and night, only apart if we didn't want to talk due to sadness or needing to be alone. We fixed each other. He helped me become happy and I, him. We got closer to each other, me and Beau. You and I however started talking again. Beau knew everything you did to me and he told me to block you. I didn't, another one of my stupid mistakes.

Beau and I began getting more close, having more feelings for each other as each day went on. We decided we'd have a long distance relationship considering we were already acting like a couple.

A couple weeks after we got together, you and I were talking. The next day there was something wrong, so I asked. What you told me broke my heart, once again.

What my mom found out about you turned out to be true. She found you on sex websites asking women for the same things you wanted from me.

I understand you were in a bad place... I do, but how could you lie to me?! ME, who did nothing but give you what you wanted. Why didn't you tell me when my mom found out about you?! Why didn't you save me the pain? And you weren't able to stop until you saw how much you could hurt me. God, I was clean for multiple months. I had started cutting again. This isn't going to be some sob story. I don't want people feeling sorry for me. I know my mistakes, I know the choices I've made.

Then you attacked me with "I stood by you when you couldn't even say "I love you" to me." That was your choice to keep standing by me. How could you expect me to love you after all the times you hurt me.
"You hurt me when you pushed me away." What you did was so fucking worse and here you are putting the blame on me.

"I'm here if you ever want to give us another chance."

"I'm you can ever forgive me"...

"You gave up on me"...

"You stopped fighting for us"... I stopped fighting because I was completely empty! You made me empty! Everyone stopped supporting me. I lost my friends, hell I'm still losing them now.

I stopped fighting because you hurt me and I wanted a way out. I was afraid to leave because I was scared of you. I was terrified of what could happen. I lived in fear that if I left, you would come find me. That you would do things to me.

You corrupted me... You did something to me that no one will be able to fix. Every night I cried because you used me as your fucking temporary fix.

Beau, he made me feel better every night I was crying. He made me feel wanted again. As of now, I can say that I'm happier without you.

Beau makes me happier than anyone else ever has. I can proudly say that I love him. He's my reason to continue on in life, he was the reason I didn't kill myself that night. He helped me through this and anything that happens in my life. Without him I don't know where I'd be. I don't even know if I'd be alive. The day that comes when we first meet, I'll cherish it forever. With Beau I want to tell everyone about him. If I ever lose him I don't know what I would do. He gives me a real smile and real happines. I thank God everyday I met such an amazing person, even if he doesn't see it in himself. If he reads this he'll know who he is. I love him much more than anything and I couldn't ask for a better person to love. I want to thank him for shining a light into my darkness and for reaching in and saving me when I thought no one else could.

As for you, I'm so happy. So ducking happy. I'm glad I left you. So thank you for showing me that the people you love the most can lie to you. I can't say I never loved you. I did at one point but after finding that out (when my mom searched you) it stopped.

My parents will never let me forget this mistake. This is a tragic thing that happens to many teens. If it's happening to you, leave. Easier said than done, I know, but it's better than being emotionally destroyed by someone who doesn't care about you. I'm sorry to those that has happened to you. I'm sorry to those who were bullied over it and are still struggling, you aren't alone. There's more of us out there. Leave whoever is hurting you. You'll notice a change in yourself, trust me, so leave before any damage can be done.

"Just because it's dark now, doesn't mean you'll never see the light."

YOU AREN'T ALONE.

**AU: if you're struggling with this ways to contact me best are in my description. And this will probably just be a venting thing I have. Thank you for reading**