Talk Me Down

Chapter One

At no point was there doubt in my mind. Not once did I question if what I was about to do was right.

I walked up the stairs with a calm determination which would have made my military mother proud. I could hear her in my head, finally Astrid, something you followed through on.

The door to the roof was a heavy blue metal thing which remained perpetually unlocked. After a good shove got it free I emerged onto the roof wishing, only for a moment, that I had worn a jumper. Then I smiled at the irony and moved to the rusty railings.

The wind was stronger up here, blowing my hair straight into my eyes without a break. I slipped the hair bobble off my wrist and scraped my hair into something resembling a bun.

With the hair problem sorted I took hold of the railing and heaved myself carefully up and over, steadying myself on the foot wide concrete ledge. I turned around still holding on to the rusted metal behind me.

I swept my glance over the varying tops of buildings, taking in a view very few ever got to see, never mind appreciate.

I took a deep breath, the wind trying to snatch it away. It was time to go, to finally follow something through to the end. I looked at my toes, so close to the edge and I loosened my grip. "It's just a step off." My voice shook less than I thought it would.

"Followed by fifty feet to regret it." I looked to my left to find I was no longer alone. The boy smiled out at the skyline. "If you want, I'll go first. Show you how it's done."

I was trying to gauge his level of sincerity. Was this sarcasm? Black humour? Was he mocking me? Did he really want to jump or get a kick from watching me? My head began to hurt and my brain itched needing something to alleviate the stressful thoughts.

That's why you're up here, I reminded myself, you're done being a slave to your own mind. I looked away from the boy focussing on the internal. I took steadying breaths, like the ones I did at morning meditation, the ones my therapist recommended for taking control of my impulses, and I felt my calm coming back. Let him watch, I said, it's not going to make a difference.

"You might not die, you know. I mean fifty feet will probably do the trick but there's never a guarantee."

I kept my eyes closed, focused on the internal and tried to block out this unwanted presence. I didn't require a narrator and regardless of whether he was there to jump or not I'd push him and solve the problem.

"You could honestly have picked a better way. This isn't as quick as you think. You have the whole way down to suddenly remember you don't want to die, like I said."

I snapped, eyes opening, head whipping to fix him with a fresh glare. "You're not helping. You're actually creating a greater incentive for me to let go." I turned away and searched for my previous inner calm. Apparently it had done a runner.

"If that were the case I think you'd probably have let go by now." His voice was quieter this time, less obtrusive and sans sarcastic undertone. I flinched at the emotion. He was wrong. If i could just think I could get back there, to that sweet spot of certainty. I could then take that step off. "I don't think you want to die. No one ever really wants to die. We all think we do but we're wrong."

I scoffed. "What would you know about it?" His use of 'we' made me uncomfortable. As if he knew anything about why I was up here.

"Oh more than you'd think. We think we want to die when all we really want to do is solve a problem. Sometimes the problem can seem so impossible that this is the only escape only it isn't. Because the truth is we don't really want to take a step off or pull the trigger or tie the knot in the rope. The truth is we just want to fix that problem." He paused. I hoped he'd shut up. Hope is apparently pointless. "If only we realised someone else could help us before we were stupid, hey?" Did he expect an answer?

"Can't you just go away?"

"I can, but I don't think you want me to."

Why did I engage him? I had encouraged him by responding, and now he wouldn't go away. "And yet I do. So would you?"

There was a pause. "No, unless you come back to the other side and tell me why you're here."

"And why would I do that?"

He laughed. "I just told you that, because no one ever really wants to die." He hopped over the railing and sat down on the floor. "Well, hurry up now."

I hesitated before climbing back over the rusted bars and striding with fake nonchalance to sit across from him, a good five feet between us.

"So, why don't you start at the beginning?"