Summary: It all gets to be too much for Caspar, and he leaves Joe a goodbye note.
WARNINGS: Implied suicide and mentions of cutting
Gone. I'm gone. If you're reading this, Joe, please don't stop. I know it'll be hard, but push through. By now, I'm just a compiled group of memories in your thoughts, fleeting, never quite going away, but never quite there. How do you remember me? That's for you to decide. Do I get a say in that? No, I don't think I do. But if I did, there are certain things I'd say... and remind you of.
Remember me not by what I was, but rather by what I did. Did I help you through that terribly long night after your parents yelled so loud you broke? When you called me with barely enough strength to dial the phone, void of hope and emptied of courage? If I lifted your spirits, inspiring you with quiet laughter and hushed words, promising not to hang up until it all stopped, then remember me for that. Not by my physical appearance.
Do you remember when we went to the fair on that warm summer night, just you and me? Ignoring your quiet pleading eyes, begging me not to make you, we went on the Ferris wheel. Circling to the top, we lingered, and you gasped. I squeezed your hand, channeling assurance and carefully letting you know that I was right next to you as you conquered your fears. Did you calm down, as you relaxed into my grip? If you did, remember me for that, not by my videos.
Do you remember the day I found out your secret? You said it all became too much, and you took it out on yourself. You were changing for our night out, and you forgot I was there. The red, pink, and white lines were everywhere, eternally representing the hurt. You said it was nothing, urged me to believe they were from your cat. I knew you were lying to me. I cried, but so did you, and as I embraced you I whispered all the reasons you were better than those small, terrible lines. You eventually stopped, and you said it was because of me. If you meant what you spoke that night, remember me for what I did for you in those dreadful months. Not by my sense of humor.
I want what I did with my life and how I lived it to have impacted those I encountered. Remember me for the vital things and the unimportant things, but think of the small things. My laugh when the joke was terrible, and your reaction was better. The way I popped my pinky finger when what was being spoken gave me anxiety. How I always sat against the wall in class so no one could see my terrible handwriting, or the way I gently touched my ring, because I could never keep my hands still. The small whimpers I let out as I drifted off to sleep, thoughts from the day swirling through my mind. Think of the way I quickly covered up my doodles when someone walked by, feeling that they were stupid, or how the color blue brought unexplainable joy to my life. But never forget how I wore my heart on my sleeve, and how the smallest of emotions would be displayed on my face. Think of all the times I ranted to you about how much it pained me that I was that way, open for all to see, and open for all to judge.
Remember me for the good and the bad, for I want my legacy to be whole, and never in pieces, incomplete because those who knew me chose to forget the bad. I was human, sinful and messy. Remember me for all of me, that is my goal. Because now, I'm just a whisper.
I love you Joseph Graham Sugg. Forever and always,
Casp
Joe set the letter down, sobs racking his small, fragile body. Why did Caspar never come to him? How could he let his boyfriend get the the point where he took his own life?! These thoughts and more swirled through Joe's mind as he carefully lay down on his bed, drawing his legs up to his chest. He sobbed, and sobbed, slowly losing the will to live, telling himself over and over that life without Caspar was pointless. And all at once, he believed it.
Thanks so much for reading guys! x Please feel free to tell me what you thought in the comments :)
