I Wish

I wish I were bolder. I wish I could just leave the house and take risks without the constant worry that my family will find out. I wish I could have a drink at a party without the guilt forming in the pit of my stomach and without the tears of regret stinging my eyes.

I wish I were more fun. I wish I that I wouldn't have to feel the need to leave early due to the itching desire to be alone. I wish social gatherings didn't suffocate me the way they do. I wish I was energized by loud music and large crowds, anf I wish I knew how to handle myself in such situations.

I wish I controlled my body, not the other way around. I wish I could go out with peers without tucking down my shirt or hunching my back. I wish I could be able to control the way my hips sway as I walk, and to manipulate the way my voice cracks and lowers as I speak. I wish my words did not resemble nails sliding down a chalkboard. I wish I could walk without feeling like my legs look like those of a chicken and that I could sit down, stand up and move in a seductive more graceful form; I wish I could turn heads, but not because I fell, but because I rose. I always just fall.

I wish every interaction I had with other people wasn't small talk. I wish I didn't have to discuss about the weather every goddamn time. I wish people would ask me about the meaning of existence and whether or not I believe in angels. I wish to have deep and long conversations about the after-life and about the way the universe came to be. I wish I were able to keep the words flowing out of my mouth as I pour my thoughts in front of others. I wish the things I thought about the most, were the things I talked about with openness.

I wish I were more interesting. I wish I could live a life of dares and challenges, a life of constantly going in and out of places and meeting new people. I wish I could return with stories of how I strolled down the streets of the city, or the way I joined a small group of musicians while at the beach. I wish for the day that my tales didn't consist of me finding a new joke on the Internet; I wish they consisted of excitement and mystery. I wish not to be as dull.

I wish I were taller. I wish I could reach top shelves with ease and to feel the roof with my fingertips. I also wish I were taller in terms of confidence. I wish I could smile at a stranger and mean it, or accept a compliment without hesitation. I wish that my mornings didn't include the obsessive tug at my skin or sucking in my stomach. I long for the day I wake up and smile at my reflection. I hope that day arrives quickly.

I wish I were more delicate. I wish my hands to move with elegance and to handle objects with care. I wish I could stop and think before I speak, and that the things I said were melodic and inspiring. I wish I simple phrase that escaped my throat changed the lives of many. I wish my vocabulary to be so extended that I had every word to describe every feeling, but instead, I only have a few, powerless ones.

I wish I was as a carefree as I mask myself to be. I wish that anxiety wouldn't take up half of my personality and that nerves weren't the ones holding the steering wheel. I guess this takes us back to how I wish to be in control of my body. It seems like I'm easily manipulated by fear of possible outcomes. I wish I didn't spend my time overthinking and creating problems that weren't there to begin with. I wish to be as carefree and as happy as a child.

I wish I weren't as insecure.

I wish I were kinder to myself. I wish I were to celebrate even the smallest of achievements, because some days, waking up requires me to use all of my strength, and for that I should applaud. I wish I didn't see my body as an enemy, but more of a friend. An imperfect friend that tries its hardest to love me and nourish me, and to keep me alive. I wish I weren't as critical and negative, and harsh.