Ending Innocence (boyxboy)

Chapter Ten

I slam the car door open and race inside. Not caring to look back to see if they are following me or not. Maria is sitting in the waiting room entrance. She has her head cradled in her hands, tears flowing freely. My stomach sinks. She doesn’t look hopeful, not like I expect her to be. She’s sitting in a hunched position, looking feeble somehow. I don’t even think about sitting beside her. Instead, I take a single chair in the corner of the room, next to the doors. She meets my gaze. I know what she’s trying to tell me, she doesn’t have to say it. It’s not looking good for him. Neither of us speaks, but then mom breezes in, rushing to her side.

“Maria, is he okay? Have you heard anything? Tell me if there is anything I can do.”

Shakily, Maria responds, looking directly at me. “They think the cuts are deep enough that he’ll be in surgery for a while. His repertory system shut down on the way, the blood… He lost a lot of blood. They couldn’t tell me if…” She breaks off sobbing. “They can’t tell me if my little boy is going to wake up.”

Her final sentence is my undoing. The sob I’ve been fighting back breaks out. I cry out, wrapping my arms around myself I sob into them. I feel like I’m going to throw up. Nothing can stop this. It’s like my heart has been stolen from my chest and stomped on. I struggle in the chair before I finally jump up and run into the nearest boys room. I hurl into the nearest toilet. Throwing up the contents of my stomach. My legs give out from under me, and I fall to the floor, curling into a ball, sobbing my heart out.

I don’t move often, only doing so when I have to hurl again. Just rocking myself and crying. My eyes sting from the tears, my nose runs, and my lungs struggle to get air into them. It feels like Luca’s lungs are in my chest. I can’t breathe properly. My body knows he’s missing, it knows that he’s dying or going to die. There’s nothing I can do to stop him from dying. Not the slightest thing. The doctors are the only ones who can save him now. Alone and afraid, I cry some more. Cry for the fact I can’t help my angel.

“God damn you.”

Ripping some toilet paper off the roll, I wipe my face with shaking hands. Trying to control the almost endless sobbing. People come in and out of the toilets. Some pause outside my door, move closer and then leave. Others just mutter things under their breath as they leave. Every time someone stops I want it to be someone with news on Luca. Closing my eyes, I rest my head against the side of the stall, thinking about Luca. Images of Luca’s  limp body on the floor flash through my mind. Sadness seeps into my heart. I am left to wonder what I did wrong, or if it was even me at all.

Wasn’t I enough? Did I not love him enough?

Nothing makes sense. I try and I try, but for some reason I can’t come up with a good answer. Everything is a mess, falling apart before my very eyes. Tremors ripple through my body at the realisation Luca might die. He might leave me. What will I do then? How can I live without the best part of me? Goddamn it, I just want to take him in my arms and beg him, plead with him to stay with me. To love me like I want to be loved. I should have loved him more, or shown him. I can’t do this without him. Not after everything, after that kiss.

“Caden? You in her?” Dante calls out.

“Yeah,” I reply hoarsely, my voice almost unrecognisable. I brush the tears away from my face and move slightly.

“I’m sorry you had to see that. You should know that Luca didn’t do it to hurt anyone. He’s not able to function like you and I are, we haven’t been through what he has… I don’t actually think I would be as strong as him if it were me.” He sighs harshly. “You closing off won’t help anyone. If he wakes up… The you will have to decide if you can help him by staying or leaving. That’s something you will have to decide for yourself, I can’t make you do either.”