Contempt

Journal One

It's either don't sleep or deal with the dreams. I cannot necessarily call them nightmares, nor good dreams, they just simply haunt me because of the truth behind them. If you are at all human, you understand that the truth is more than stifling the majority of the time. Truth is: I'm a physics major. That much is true. Physics is the truth right? Wrong. Physics is applied math (science) but there is no truth in science, only working theories. So based on this, what is the truth? In my mind, I like to think that the truth is only what has happened in an unbiased perceived by the unbiased eye.

How can one know the truth if you are always inclined to be biased to yourself? Well, I am not biased to myself because of the critical self loathing. I do not see it as a personal gain to prove myself right—I either am right or I am not. I see what is, not what I want it to be or wish it to be.

Why am I rambling? How is this relevant? Well, see, I get these dreams and I realize all the things I did wrong in the past. Not to him, but to myself. To truly have someone to trust and love takes cooperation and time. We had all of that, so how did it fail? We built love out of time and trust out of cooperation. Love is made out of cooperation. Trust through time. To love is not a failure. A failure is not to love.

When I sleep, my dreams tell me what I did wrong, but never how to fix it. Without a solution, is there really a problem? Maybe I am just delusional and hurt. Or maybe I'm numb from looking for love in new, unfound places. I don't know if being in a relationship five months after a fifteen month relationship is smart. I don't know if dating someone I barely know is smart. I'm willing to try.

Alex:
Pros: smart, funny, kind, Canadian, swimmer, beautiful cheekbones, half Asian, loving, sweet, outgoing, mysterious
Cons: untrusting, sometimes insensitive, talks about sex with exes too much, stays on the superficial most of the time

Do I love him? A dumb question. Technically, I love everyone I care about. But am I in love with him? No, I don't know him enough. Do I feel the need to hold him and protect him? Yes. But it's only because I know how insecure he can be and I see the same things in myself. I want to help him, even if he screws me over like the last one.

I want to love him. I do. I'm just scared.