After All, You're My Wonderwall

Four

"I want you to tell Ryan a secret. A secret that you've never told anybody before."

***

It's a Friday evening. Brendon is sitting on his bed feeling completely and totally unsure. The reason he's unsure is because of what he's looking at in his hands. It holds Ryan's phone number. Brendon hadn't seen much of him since they had walked Brendon's dog together. Brendon had had glimpses of him here and there, at school. Sometimes Ryan even smiled at him. This bright, white smile that radiated everywhere. The glow would bounce off the walls, the ceiling. Sometimes Brendon felt as if he was being blinded. That would suck, yeah? Stuttering and being blind? Today at school Ryan had even sat next to him, for five minutes and three seconds – Brendon had counted – at lunch and touched his shoulder.

It had just been a friendly pat, a little squeeze. There had been a smile in his eyes. They were the color of honey. Brendon had always liked honey. Not that he had developed feelings for Ryan. No, of course not. That'd be silly - no, Brendon had just, well, he was just curious more than anything. Curious as to why Ryan seemed to want to be friends with him. Curious about what had drawn Ryan to him. It had to be more than just tears and broken glasses, right? Ryan had said 'hi' in this friendly voice and Brendon had simply smiled. Brendon was surprised with himself. That he had let himself smile so easily. That didn't seem normal, did it? "How are you," Ryan had asked and Brendon had thought about it for a moment, eyes drifting to his salad.

"G-good, t-thanks. You?"

Ryan had seemed surprised. That Brendon had actually asked Ryan how he was. Brendon was surprised, too, actually. He hadn't really meant to put the 'you' part in there. Did he really care how Ryan was? Surprisingly, yes, yes he did. The look of surprise only lasted a few seconds and Ryan smiled a little wider, leaning on the table with his elbow, chin resting in the palm of his skinny hand. Everything about Ryan was skinny, Brendon noticed. However, not in an unhealthy way. Brendon wondered why he was noticing such things. "I'm good. You know, school." Brendon nodded, looking away. That's when Ryan had done the shoulder thing. The touch, pat and squeeze. "Well, I should go. Call me, yeah?"

Brendon had nodded.

Now he was here.

Brendon had, after all, told Ryan that he would call him. No, he hadn't said it in words but he had nodded, hadn't he? Brendon grabbed the phone sitting next to his bed. It felt heavy in his hand. It felt unsure. Everything about Brendon, in this moment, felt unsure. Brendon sighed. He stared at the phone for a moment before slowly dialing Ryan's number. He noticed he was shaking a little but he tried to ignore it. This wasn't a big deal after all. It was just a phone call. He might not even answer. Yes, yes, that's true. Ryan seemed like he was popular. He was probably at a party or something. Or with his girlfriend – providing he had one. After all, it was Friday. Kids who had friends usually did things on Friday, right? Yes, Brendon was almost sure of this.

"Hello?"

Brendon had been wrong though.

***

That's how Brendon ended up here.

Brendon and Ryan. They were sitting on top of Ryan's car. Well, Ryan was lying on his back, hands underneath is head as they both stared up at the night sky. Brendon wasn't sure if he was comfortable enough to lie down, too. Maybe some other time. Right now, though, he sat with his legs crossed. His hands were folded tightly in his lap, a sure sign that he was scared. Nervous. He wasn't looking at the sky but he wasn't looking at Ryan either. His eyes were fixated on his fingers as he swallowed down fear that he was sure was unnessesary. "Did you tell your mom you were going out?" Brendon nodded. He didn't say anything because he could feel Ryan's eyes on him. He knew Ryan had seen him nod then. "R-Ryan?"