Will he ever be okay?

chapter 1

AN: trigger warning, brief mention of self harm and schizophrenia. Also this is my first fanfic and probably no one is gonna read this but #YOLO umm I'm just gonna leave the country now enjoy:))))

Was I supposed to be used to this? I never liked living like this. I felt safe and happy, and maybe that's how it's supposed to be. I was tired of waiting for answers. I was feeling hopeless but at the same time i was happy.

Dan was in a mental institution and I knew he was healing, and I was happy for him, really I was but the never ending wait for him to come back to me was killing me. I must sound selfish . I probably am. Maybe I should look for my razor again.

No Phil you stopped that already. You can't go back, what would Dan think? He's healing and you're suffering. It wasn't fair. Nothing was fair.
Its been a year since he's left you

No he didn't leave me

Yes he did

No he didnt!

He's going to be happy when he comes out of that place and he's gonna be happy without you, he's going to leave you because you're nothing.

I couldn't take it anymore. The voices had become even worse with time. I had tried to stop them, telling myself not to listen. To not believe them because what they said weren't true. With time that became harder to do. I started questioning myself is it true? Will he be happy without me. I guess that would be okay with me. If he's happy then I'm happy.

I always belived that Dan's and I relashionship was not the healthiest. We both knew something was wrong with him. He would act happy one moment then extreamly sad the next. Sometimes he would lash out and throw things against the walls breaking them to bits. I didn't realize then that I was sad as well. I was too concerned with Dan to realize my own problems. Sometimes I would wake up from a nightmare that would leave me awake for the rest of the night.

In the end we would always turn to one another for comfort. If he was having one of his episodes I would hold him as tight as possible until he calmed down, he would then return the embrace. When I would wake up from one of my nightmares he would hold me and whisper soft melodies.

It happened one night his thrashing became louder and more violent than ever before, and the neighbors decided to intervene. Dan was sent to rehabilitation. I was very suportive because all I wanted was for him to get better. I would always make sure he was okay in every phone call we exchanged. We called each other frequently.

Now one year later we still call each other, but it feels like the calls are becoming fewer and fewer.

Maybe that's because he doesn't want you anymore.

No that isn't true he still loves me

Are you sure about that?

Yes I am I'm s-sure

I don't think so, you know what I think, I think that he still calls you because he pities you

SHUT UP!

I throw one of our dinner chairs at the wall breaking it completely. I'm devastated, I hate this feeling of loneliness that Dan left me with.

I'm clinging to the last hope that he still loves me. I love him so much, so so much. It breaks me when I remember the times together. The way we would hug and the feel of his lips on mine, so soft. I missed the fire that would light up in me on those nights were we would touch.

The memories were so vivid, they brought tears to my eyes. Happy tears because I know one day we will be together again.

I want to be fully happy again but then again I was never fully happy to begin with. I'm happy for Dan. He's getting better. I know he will be okay and when he is I'll be here for him, waiting.

AN: well there you go hopefully you liked it. I got kinda teary eyed writing it actually, well thanks for reading :))