Depression

1

I can't really say when this started but the earliest part I remember is when I was 16 and all I wanted to just die. My dad had just died and I blamed myself(still do) that I didn't know CPR proper and couldn't save him. Feeling his pulse come to a stop and his body go cold is still the worst experience of my life. A very close second was sing the utter heartbreak plain on my mom's face when I told her that her husband's dead. I was in denial or shock, whatever, for about a month. And then the dam broke and I did as well.
I had a few seizures, and I felt like a burden to my mother who had to see my face everyday. I tried a couple of times to end it with pills, which are completely useless; I'd fall asleep then wake up puking them all out. Not fun. I ended up barely passing grade 11. For about two years it was all touch and go, but I told no one still.

The next major trigger was when I was supposed to go to university and didn't because of finances. I took the trip back home and just turned into a potato. I cried every night and would lie to my mom the next morning when she asked about my puffy eyes, that it was my sinuses. I felt like the biggest failure and waste because money was wasted for me to go to school only to not get into university. I had already quit church by then, feeling unworthy and ashamed and just overall tired of it. Needless to say, when I tried to off myself that time, I didn't use pills. I got my hands on some rat poison, which I just vomited up. Then I bought some razor blades and cut, or tried to cut, the big vein down my wrist. The blade went across instead, maybe because of all the shaking. The was so much pain that I didn't go through with it. I went to a local college and did a secretarial course. It distracted me, and I thought I was ok.

I went back to church and actually accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Saviour, best decision of my life.

I finally got into university and ended up crying almost every night the first semester because everything was going down the toilet. I was failing almost everything. When my results came I had failed 3/7 of my modules. I remember just starring at the results at home and trying to come up with a lie to tell my family. I ended up telling the truth and called the school to ask if I'd been excluded, and found out I wasn't.
The next semester I pushed myself and ignored friends, and family, only socialising at church. I failed 1/9 modules. I felt bad but I refused to dwell on it. I even got into the campus residence again.

Then this year happened. My mom had two strokes in the first semester and my average took a significant dive. I did pass all my modules, but not on par with how hard I had worked. I didn't go home for the break, but I did not try anything.

My decision to do what the bible said stemmed from my reasoning that if I did well enough, was nice enough to people, I'd earn God's love, and salvation by default. In my two years at uni, I perfected fake smiles and laughs. I was over compensating and no one took notice. Everyone says I'm one of the happiest people they know. My title went from Theni the fat girl to Theni with a constant smile on her face. I thought I was winning, fooling everyone.

I don't really know what set this last one off but it has been the worst episode. I cried literally every night of this last semester. My academics were going straight to hell. I had to drop a module because I knew I wasn't gonna get exam entrance. When exams came, I only passed 2/4 of my modules. One I didn't even get supplementary exam cause I had been doing so poorly the entire semester. The other one I failed the sup exam.

I went to a Campus Outreach Leadership Project the night of my sup exam for chemistry. When a friend of mine announced on the group that she had passed Genetics, the module I didn't even get a sup for, I couldn't take it anymore. I felt so horrible for being jealous of her marks. I cried half of the remaining two weeks everyday in the shower. The project ended two days ago.

I am seeing a psychologist, which i was forced to see. Since I can't afford a private one, I go to the one provided by the school. Now that school is over, I'm not seeing her. She says I have depression and should get a prescription filled

I only attempted once with headache pills. I didn't even remember that they were useless because I was so desperate.
One Sunday night after church I went to the top floor of my res and was thinking of jumping off, my roommate had heard me crying that night, since I never cry that loud. She called the house committee and everything. I was on the roof listening to REM on repeat. When I went back to my room everyone was apparently looking for me and that's when I was told to see the psychologist, it was mandatory.

I haven't tried anything else since then. But I still pray that I die soon. I understand it's wrong but it does get overwhelming and I don't want anything to do with life that minute.
I do have good moments. And what the LP (leadership project) has taught me is that there is nothing I can ever do to earn God's love nor salvation.

I am gonna keep going to the therapist because I know this is not healthy and I need help. I thank God everyday for granting me life and ask for strength to not go under. The prayers for death are less now. Hopefully I will not feel like that anymore.
The Lord is my rock and I will look to Him for strength. I try very hard to see the positive sin my life. Sometimes I succeed, most days I fail. But that will not stop me from trying.