Standing Alone

Chapter 7

Seema felt a bit disappointed and she kept thinking "May be I bored him too much with my sad stories. It's all for the better."

She sat down on her chair by the computer and started writing her novel with a new fervor and was so fully immersed in it until her phone rang again.

It had become dark outside and she picked up the phone and saw it was from Varun.

"How are you mom? Sorry did I disturb you? You sound sleepy?"

"Hey Varun. No I was so immersed in my writing that I didn't realize it has already become 6:30pm. So will you be able to make it for the Thanksgiving."

"I can't promise mom, I might be going to Swetha's home. But I will surely be there for Christmas or you can come down here."

Swetha was Varun's girl friend. They had met during one of his trips to his clients place two years back and had started dating. Every time Varun called, Seema expected news from him saying that he was getting married soon but for reasons unknown Varun was not in a hurry at all.

"Okay Varun."

"So what have you been up to?"

"Nothing much. Did Shreya tell you, that I met Richard yesterday?"

"No she didn't. So is he there? How is he?" he asked with delight.

"He has come here for some conference and I met him by accident yesterday. Have you been in touch with him while I was in India?"

"I know you would scold me, but to be honest mom, I haven't spoken to him for a very long time."

"I will send you his number. He said he is busy this whole week and will be back in Boston on Saturday, call him then."

"Why don't you invite him over for dinner one day mom? I remember how he loved your rotis and dhal?"

"I did, but he said he is very busy. But I was out with him exploring Charleston."

"Ah good, at least after all these months you did that."

"Okay tell him I said "Hi" I will call him soon. Take care mom. Love you."

"Bye varun. Love you too."

She hated to compare her kids, but sometimes she felt how easy it was to talk to Varun. Varun looked a lot like his father with thick curly hair and bright eyes hidden behind glasses. He was very laid back and easy going. She felt she could tell him things without wondering whether he would get upset. Even when he got mad he never raised his voice, but told her in a calm voice that he didn't agree with her. On the other hand she felt she had to tread carefully while talking to Shreya because she didn't like to upset her. But when Shreya cooled down she would always come to her like a toddler forgetting everything that had happened and become her sweet old self.

She was glad that Varun was the elder one and she had relied on him a bit too much after Arun's death and wondered whether that had made him all grown up a bit too fast. But her kids had been her world, at least until they had gotten wings and flown out of the nest to make their own life.

During the quietness of the evening her mind always brought on unexpected memories from the past.

One such incident was the day Varun had got his admission letter from the college of his choice – an Ivy college in Boston. When Seema saw the mail with the letter head on it, she waited till Varun came back. His hands trembled on holding the letter and he opened it carefully and she remembered the tears that slid down his cheek and the big bear hug that she got from him in return.

"Mom, I got admission. I got it." He was jumping in joy and when he saw his dad's photo the joy disappeared and his face was filled with anguish that a mother understood too well. But he was too proud to admit it to her. He threw the letter and ran past her to his room and shut it and she knew the pain that he was in. The simple gesture of letting his father know of his first achievement in life was denied to him. She took the letter carefully and placed it in front of Arun's picture.

It was a joyful day filled with sadness too. She gave him some time and walked into his room to find him sprawled on his bed with tears seeping through the sides of his eyes.

If he was the baby that he once was she could have carried him and told that everything would be okay and he would have believed her too. But now he was entering adulthood without the support of the one man that he always looked up to and she knew that only time had the power to heal such deep wounds.

She sat beside him combing his hair with her fingers and spoke "Varun, I know you are missing your dad. But I always have this feeling that he is around us. I just feel it. I'm sure he is very proud of you and he will always be. I am proud of you too and I wish everyday that our lives hadn't taken the turn that we find ourselves in. But this is the reality and we have to accept it. We have to be grateful that your dad at least has made arrangements for both of you to get through college. I wish that both of you make use of this opportunity and make us proud." She hugged him hard and they both cried thinking of how happy that day would have been if Arun had been around.

Though she gave him the courage, she was even more scared to face the day that he would leave her and Shreya alone and go to college.

"He is my strength now...How will I and Shreya survive without him around?" she worried.

But she had survived that too and here she was facing the loneliness that she had dreaded when Shreya left the home too.