Notorious

Hopeless

Two weeks have gone by.

I sit in bed cocooned in my blanket, I shut my blinds to avoid the outside world, I turn off my cell phone on the second day to avoid the incessant calls and texts, I try to sleep and push away the nightmares, I try to eat even when I feel as if I will get sick.

There is a knocking on my door every day, multiple times a day. I don't answer, I don't even blink. And, eventually, they stop knocking.

I know it's him. It's always him.

I feel like a flower withering away, decaying slowly –deprived of it's sun. I feel like I have swallowed a stormy cloud.

It's an odd situation because I feel numb, like my heart has died, but every now and then –when I remember his smile or laugh, I feel as though I had been stabbed. That pain is so crippling that I have to take sleeping pills just to block it out.

I like those pills.

When I take one the world becomes a bit hazy –nothing clear and nothing certain. Two makes me numb to the terrible betrayal I feel deep in my belly. Three makes me forget there ever was a Harry.

But, when the ache in my chest feels like an anchor - when my lungs are drowning in despair, I find myself having to count down from ten just so I can breathe again.

But, ten is the first time we met and he made a vulgar comment about my skirt. Nine is our first kiss in the bathroom of the bar and even though it was dirty and wrong I felt as if I had swallowed sunlight. Eight is the fight that came after and the terrible things we said.

Seven is the cherry blossoms and when it began for me and something else entirely began for him. Six is the dressing room when he touched me for the first time and I felt alive.

Five is Amanda and Louis. Four is the first time we made love and I found home in his arms.

Three is when he told me he loved me and I believed it. Two is the secret and lies I tried to ignore. And one is when they all came to light.

And counting to ten does nothing but hurt me more.

I sometimes wonder if I am overreacting; if I can possibly look past this indiscretion and give Harry another chance. But, then I remember Harry showing up on my doorstep that day, telling me he wanted to be my friend, taking me to see the cherry blossoms I loved so much.

The first day I ever thought that Harry and I could be more...

And the day is tainted now, like a piece of gum on the sidewalk. It's still chewable sure, but the flavor is gone and the taste will most likely make you sick.

Because every moment I spent with him was based on a lie. Is it even possible for me to separate what was real and what was all a part of the deal? Do I want to? Am I just better off not knowing?

What's worse? Drowning beneath the waves or dying from the thirst?

My phone vibrates on the table next to me and Yoda stirs in his sleep, cuddling up to my side.

Maybe because I'm so tired I'm delirious, maybe because it's been two weeks and the ache in my chest has lessened, maybe I'm just a sadist, but I pick up the phone anyway.

Avery begins to shout on the other end of the line before I can even say hello, "Aspen! What the hell is going on? I have been calling you for weeks, I even showed up at your house! Everyone is being so weird! Harry hasn't shown up to practice since that article came out and Liam has been sulking around... Niall told me you were taking a break? Did you and Harry run off together? Are you pregnant? Did you-"

"Avery?"

A pause, and then a slightly breathless sigh, "Yes?"

"Did you know?"

She is silent on the other line and in her silence I can hear the faint strumming of a guitar and Niall's distant voice and I know she is rehearsing with the band now.

The band... Am I still in the band? Can I still be in a band when so many of its members have hurt me this way? Can I even face them again? What do I do? Where do I possibly go from here?

"Know what? As far as I'm concerned, I'm the one left in the dark here."

And I have to laugh at the irony of that, though the sound is dry and scratchy from my throat not being used for weeks.

"Did you know that Harry got close to me for some deal he made with Liam? That he used me for my mother?"

More silence, and then I hear Liam's voice in the background and I really want to hang up then, but I hear her heels clicking on the hardwood and a door closing and then more silence.

"I'm sorry, what the fuck did you just say?" And she sounds like she is in the beginning stages of becoming livid and it makes me marginally pleased to know that someone is on my side.

That at least someone hasn't been lying to me.
"They made a deal that if Harry would get close to me, to get me back to my old self again, then Liam would have our mom represent him for this whole murder/drug case going on."

My voice is monotone, though the feelings beneath are anything but. Saying the words out loud is a painful experience, one that rattles the cage around my heart.

Though it makes them seem more real, more tangible.

"Jesus Christ," Avery lets out a heavy breath, "That explains why Harry isn't around and why Liam has been a total ass," she lets out a quiet gasp, cursing under her breath, "Holy shit, Liam."

"What? What is it?"

There is more cursing and what sounds like her hitting something before she speaks again, voice tinged with guilt and a little bit of bashfulness.

"I slept with Liam."

And for the first time in a long time, I jolt up in bed, a new emotion hitting me other than extreme grief and rage.

"What the fuck? When?" I'm grateful for the distraction, though this fact just brings me more turmoil.

"The... The day you told us you were seeing Harry," When she hears me gasp she lets out a frustrated groan, "I swear to god I had no idea what he was doing, what deal he made with Harry. I was just comforting him and it kind of... Happened? And then it just kept happening... But, Jesus, I would have never thought he would have done something like this to you...

"I always told you to watch out for the boys trying to get into your pants, but I had no idea your biggest betrayal would come from your own flesh and blood... Fuck, I'm so sorry. I don't - I'm so disappointed..."

And I feel my deceased heart twist at her words because now I have drug her into this mess, a mess Liam created, and have completed shattered her illusion of the man she has been in love with for years.

We're both silent as we let this situation settle, as we contemplate how in the hell our lives have gotten to this point. How the hell we move on from this.

"What are... What're you going to do, Aspen?"

And I don't know what it is about this question -maybe the sympathetic tone she asks it with or the fact that is being asked at all- but all of the feelings I had been pushing down resurface in one horrifying swoop.

My throat closes and my eyes sting with tears and I desperately want to push them back down, but I just fucking can't.

Because I have no idea what I am going to do.

My family betrayed me. The love of my life used me, lied to me for months on end and I don't even know if any of those feelings were real. If any of it was real.