The next morning, I woke up heavenly. Deep in my mattress, I could hear my heartbeat. The slow sound showing i was still alive. My thoughts were clear. My head, empty. Couldn't have been more. I wanted to stay hidden in my bed for the rest of my existence, but i couldn't allow myself. Work. At. The. Bakery. Yay. The clock showed 9:17. Fourty-three minutes until i had to be in the pastry shop. No motivation.
I sat on my bed, placed one foot after the other on the fluffy carpet that surrounded my bedroom floor. I brushed my feet on it a couple of times, wondering why are carpets so comfortable. After the most random reflexions, I remembered. The guy at the bakery the day before. As soon as his effigy appeared in my head, my heartbeat started racing. Like when we locked eyes. His Blue eyes as deep as the ocean. How could i forget.
Momentanly i got up, jamp in the first clothes i saw ran off to the kitchen and passed the door to find myself, feet in freezing snow. I completely lost sight of the season in which we were. Winter. Here in England, winters weren't always as fun. Sometimes you just wanted it to be summer, but then when it finally was, the rain washed that wish away to let its place to wanting back the snow and so on. I went back inside, got boots to my feet and cozy coat for me to avoid another cold, to which i seemed so attractive. It was a miracle if i wasn't sick for more than a week.
Once i got to the bakery, relieved to get back in the heat of the cook's room, Barbara was there. Why did I get up if someone was already gonna be there again? Oh yeah.
"Hi there Harold. Didn't thought you'd be coming in this morning" she disclosed.
"How come i wasn't suppose to come in?" I asked with interrogations in my voice.
"Well we're sunday. You usually don't work on sundays do you?" my superior said. Of course we were sunday. How could i forget.
"I knew that. Well i wanted to..erm..allow you a day off." I finally put in words as my mind was still confectioning an explanation. "I know you've worked a lot these days and I wanted to thank you for your amazing job..." I don't how i got that but i did and i think it worked.
"Aw thank you darling, but I have to work today. Tomorrow is a big day for us. We usually get a lot of orders on Valentine's day. You can stay though." I guess she got that I wasn't here only for her. There's was another reason. Plus how could i forget tomorrow was the lovers day. How long have i slept last night let slip of my memory that much?
I hurried in the kitchen, ready to prepare some red velvet cupcakes. For Him. The reason i came in on a sunday. The reason i forgot everything. The only thing occupying my mind right now. Why. Never something seemed so important since..the accident. The only thought of it made me wanna come back to The reason of my lack of memory.
I put all the ingredients in a bowl, mixed and poored the mixture in some cupcake tole. Waiting for him to cook, i went back to the front store to wait. For HIm. He had become the object of my thoughts. The object of my heartbeat. The object of my living. Therefore i didn't even knew him. What if he never came back? What if I was the only one having those feelings about him? What if I was just some random staff in some random bakery he'll never put a foot again? More my thoughts were bending from 'He will come back for me' to 'I am just a random baker in a random bakery', more my smile would fall over.
Everytime I heard the bell of the door opening, announcing the entrance of a maybe-maybe not Him, my hopes got up to go right back down. I served them like i was suppose to, no plus. No smile. No thank you. They didn't deserve it. They weren't Him.
Barbara came to check on me from the back store. I was leaning against the counter. Empty eyes. Empty mind full of Him.
"Are you ok love?" she voiced through her worried lips.
I couldn't speak the truth. It wasn't even an option. So I went for the 'Everything's fine' choice which didn't reassure much. But she left me, to go back to her baking.
The timer bipped meaning the cupcakes were ready. But still nobody to come get them.
Why was it that much of a big deal? I didn't care about him. I couldn't care. Couldn't let him control my feelings. Why was he this important to me? I was addicte to him. Addicted to the feeling he procured me. The heartbeat racing. The butterflies. The look in his eyes. I had to forget him. Move on.
I got out the cupcakes quickly and threw them to the garbage. Done. Now i needed something to distract me. It surely wasn't at the bakery that i could find that. I asked Barbara if i could finsih my shift earlier since we weren't that busy and got my way back home.
In the car I tried my best to not think about Him. Unsuccessful. Music to its loudest. Gas to his fastest. Nobody could stop me. I passed on The road. Memories. Bad ones. Came back invading my mind. My eyes got blurry. I could barely see the street limits anymore. I bumped in a snowbank. Car stopped. Tears streaming from my eyes to my cheeks. The accident. Here. Its was here.
Harry careful youre gonna [... ]!! whatever you do I'll always love you [... ] She's gone [... ] We've lost her [... ] Don't worry baby, it's not your fault [... ]
"Of course it was all my fault. My fault!!" I burst in tears. Hit the seat. Hit the steering wheel. Finally calmed down. But still sobbing. I could never forgive me for this. For hurting the only person i've ever truly loved. I can't love Him. If I do, I know i'll hurt him and I wouldn't ever be able to forgive myself a second time.
