Don't say you love me

Don't say you love me - part 1

Copenhagen, December 14

The Christmas lights twinkled all the way through Inner City, across Christianshavn and down Amagerbrogade, but instead of bringing the usual cheer, it made Delphine Marchand fight the tears. December—you suck!

Stepping harder on the pedals, driving through grey snow sludge that lay as pitiful on the bike path as she felt inside, she felt the worst part was the pangs of shame that snuck up on her, through the waves of sadness that washed over her. What did she have to be ashamed or sad over? Being 23 years old and enjoying massive success in her first lead part at a big theatre in Copenhagen? The shame had to do with her ungratefulness and black mood since she had no reason to be in such a foul mood. Tonight she got a standing ovation and the rush of it felt like she'd thrown herself off a cliff, and was free falling through the air.

She stopped at a red light, by the red brick church on the corner, and loudly sighed causing the man on the bike next to her to look up. She tried to smile a genuine smile, like the one a few hours before when the audience had made the whole room vibrate with their clapping. But remembering Karsten and his vague answer to her question about Christmas Eve had ruined her happiness.

"I can't give you an answer right now, honey," he'd said. Lately, all his answers were evasive and it was moments like these, she really questioned whether dating the boss was such a good idea. If he got tired of her privately would he then grow tired of her professionally? He'd been her mentor these past five years and had created the roles for her, in fact, he discovered her and encouraged her to take up acting—and then they'd fallen in love. She'd been 18.

The lights turned green and she biked down the deserted and never-ending Amagerbrogade. Toward the shared apartment she rented with her stepsister Nadia. Every inch of the flat was covered in Christmas decorations, just the way she liked it. Coming through the door, she instantly heard Nadia and her Spanish boyfriend Julián going at it in Nadia's room. They were in that newly fallen in love phase where they were going at it like rabbits. Trying to ignore the sound of Nadia's orgasm on the other side of the door, Delphine pushed off her boots shoving them to the side with her foot and hurried down the hall to the narrow kitchen. Putting on the kettle and looking out on the snow that was falling lazily on the ground. The kitchen window looked out into the shared courtyard where almost every window was lit up with Christmas lights. She heard the kettle click. Cheer up, it's possible to have a wonderful Christmas Eve on your own. Repeating that thought, she made a cup of instant hot chocolate, poured an extra spoonful sugar in it and grabbed the sad remains of the homemade Christmas cookies and brought it all to the brown recycled couch in the living room. The flat suddenly became quiet and she sat in silence warming her hands on the hot mug. Hearing Nadia's door open, she yelled a loud "Hi!" Not wanting to repeat last week's full frontal display of Julián. Seeing her sister's boyfriend naked once was more than enough. She laughed into her hot chocolate, remembering how insatiable she and Karsten had been when they'd first met.

Nadia's stood in the doorway, her blond hair all messed up and her skin glowing with a warmth that radiated all the way over to her corner of the couch.

"How did it go?" Nadia asked, tiptoeing barefoot through the living room over to Delphine. Snuggling up on the couch Delphine passed her the cookies.

"It was good—no it was amazing! We got a standing ovation." Delphine took the last sip and rested her head on her sister's shoulder.

"Why so glum then?" She'd never been good at hiding her feelings from Nadia. The two stepsisters shared everything. Something Delphine feared was changing as they grew older. They had become adults and the distance between them felt slightly larger even though they shared a flat. They never seemed to be home at the same time, Nadia was always down in her new café, and she was at the theatre or at Karsten's. At least until a month ago where Karsten had become busy with something she didn't know what was. The show kept them busy of course but all of a sudden he didn't have as much time to spend with her and she couldn't figure out why, with him evading all her questions.

"Just tired, that's all," she lied. She was as awake as she could be, with thoughts of Karsten churning in her head. Nadia pursed her lips sideways and looked at her sceptically. "—also a little bit sad we don't get to spend Christmas together," she added. She looked at the window sill adorned with Christmas cards from her French side of the family. Joyeux Noël they said and they made her miss her older brothers Marcel, Ètienne and her father Paul.

"I don't know what my father and your mother are thinking!" Nadia reached for the last cookie and chewed while talking, "I've told them it's the stupidest thing to plan a family vacation to Thailand the year you can't come!" Shaking her head furiously, she looked at Delphine. It made her wish she could tell Nadia that what really was bothering her was Karsten.

"I'm this close to not going!" She protested before being interrupted by the sight of Julián. They didn't speak more of Christmas to Delphine's relief. The drama, it would cause in the family if they found out she was to be alone on the 24th was too much for her to handle. They had all assumed like she had, that she'd spend it with Karsten, but now she wasn't so sure anymore. Their last performance was on the 23rd and by then her stepfather, her mother and Nadia would be well on their way to Koh Samui. Her French side of the family expected her to stay in Denmark because of the show. It would only have been natural to spend their first Christmas together, with them being closer than ever and five years into their relationship. At least, that's what she had assumed but now she feared he'd grown weary of her, or worse, fallen for someone else. Everyone had warned them in the beginning that he'd get bored with her soon because she was so much younger than him. Maybe they were right?