Blame it on the weather

This is

There's some stuff I want to have said about things. This chapter ended up being mostly about my depression. There's also mention of self-harm. Sorry, it's kind of a bummer chapter, feel free to skip. I'll have a better chapter later.

Today my grandma, mommy, sister and dad went out to eat at Olive Garden. I ordered my own food without consulting or asking anyone else what they were going to order. I also payed for my own food and decided how much of a tip I wanted to give to the waitress. Now this all may sound pretty basic to anyone who reads this but it was a big deal for me. It's not unusual for me to pay for my own food... But I hate ordering my food. In the past I used to have a problem deciding not what I wanted but what to order. There are many reasons for this but they don't matter. Just know that I used to have anxiety when it was my turn to order.

Just like the above example (about the anxiety) there's a lot of stuff about myself that I hate but I have learned to accept over time... But I'm seriously tired of it! I don't want to embrace my pathetic flaws just because I'm too unmotivated to change them anymore.

I've had this lingering depression since the end of elementary school. When I was in 6th grade this quack of a psychiatrist prescribed me some antidepressants. I don't remember if they ever worked but I do remember 7th grade being completely miserable so that's when I stopped. Things got a bit better after that but since then I've had to deal with many really bad episodes of depression that can be triggered by almost anything. I tell myself that I like being sad because I can't do anything about it. But in truth depression sucks and when it gets really bad it makes me do things that I regret later. It makes me cold, callous, distant, selfish and even more pathetic and unmotivated. I used to do really self-destructive things like dwelling on thoughts of suicide, driving recklessly when I'm alone, cutting myself, sleeping for long periods of time, isolating myself, and not eating more than a few corn chips each day.

I've been pretty happy lately. I've been able to minimize or give up on most of these bad habits. Though I do get depressed somewhat often I no longer have suicidal thoughts, thankfully I never became addicted to cutting myself, and I no longer drive recklessly because I realize how incredibly selfish and stupid all these things were. I know that I can improve myself because I have in the past. So I've decided to learn to accept myself and not my flaws. I will no longer sit idly by as my life is run by my depression. I can't do it alone but I'll never stop getting better.

Most people don't know this stuff about me. It's not something that I often talk about even with my close friends. But I'm still grateful for them. They make me genuinely happy and whether they know it or not many times they protect me from my depression. Not only that but when I look at the beautiful lives they lead, though difficult, it gives me hope for the present. So I would like to thank them for that.