Rhythm of my Heart

Gift of a Friend

You know, I used this song once before... with something directed toward you little one. Because the pure and unwavering truth behind this song is beyond beautiful, beyond spectacular... that it radiates some brilliance and truth. Do you remember it? The poem?

Little one, there is so much that needs to be said.. needs to be discussed. And I get it, I haven't been the best big sister... I haven't been the best friend that I still very much claim to be. I've beyond fucked up, I've beyond hurt you... But through and through, never once did I give up on you or on us. I held onto every note we passed, every journal we filled, every drawing ever given... because to me, they were memories. Joyous, untainted memories.

And now, it's so close to Christmas and I am utterly terrified... and I feel the decision you made is my fault. You left home... left your mother broken-hearted and turning to a 19 year old, believing I can help. And all the while I'm losing my mind... because every single fiber of my being is screaming "Genius, this is your fault. You should've spent more time with her, not avoided her because of the person she know resides with. You should've focused on your little one every time she cried out for help... because no one can make it all on their own." And my god... little one, I was an idiot to have done so. I shouldn't have avoided you because I was scared of dragging you into it.. because all I did was do the one thing I never wanted to. And my god, my precious little one.... please by no means think that I still see you as a child. I haven't, ever, seen you as one. You had to grow up a lot faster than most... with your CF, and the issues with your biological dad... Timmy constantly having ran away...

But through and through, all I saw was a beautiful and intelligent young woman. I saw my bright baby sis, my best friend... I saw the girl who made me smile and laugh because she was being all cutsey, who irritated me to no extent when she talked down about herself.... but brightened my day none the less because she was alive, she was there...

I am beyond proud of you... wanting to be independent, wanting personal space, wanting to be your own woman... make your own decisions. But my little one... Brittany... was this the only way? Was this the best way? All of this planning, couldn't it have been put toward an apartment...? A place truly all your own?

I won't ask you to leave him.... that's your choice. But don't believe all he says....

I will never, ever, fully abandon you. Ask for distance, yes. Be a little distant, yes. That comes with age, with problems... with being scared to open to people because you get too close and don't wanna end up hurt. You of all people know this... you and I are alike in so many ways, little one. We want to be ourselves, 100% genuinely us. We want to know freedom; of speech, and action... We want our lives to be in our hands, and no one else. That's always been our goals, right? To be free... to better ourselves.

I still remember a promise I made to you.... 9/18/11. The day we became best friends, became sisters.... I promised you that no matter how bad depression kicks in, no matter how badly I ever wanted to give up on life, I would never abandon you. I would always be just a phone call away, a message away... a drive away. No matter where I go, you will always be welcomed there. That hasn't changed.... I'm still here. I always will be. I'm just a phone call away, a text away, a skype call away... and a short little walk. No matter where on this Earth I go.. I always will be.

I love you, Brittany Marie Manske (given how much you detest the other name... and always considered changing it).  Please remember that, little one.

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Sometimes you think you'll be fine by yourself
Cause a dream is a wish that you make all alone
It's easy to feel like you don't need help
But it's harder to walk on your own

You'll change inside
When you realize

The world comes to life
And everything's bright
From beginning to end
When you have a friend
By your side
That helps you to find
The beauty you are
When you open your heart
And believe in
The gift of a friend
The gift of a friend

Someone who knows when you're lost and you're scared
There through the highs and the lows
Someone to count on, someone who cares
Beside you wherever you go

You'll change inside
When you realize

The world comes to life
And everything's bright
From beginning to end
When you have a friend
By your side
That helps you to find
The beauty you are
When you open your heart
And believe in
The gift of a friend

When your hope crashes down
Shattering to the ground
You, you feel all alone
When you don't know which way to go
There's no signs leading you home
You're not alone

The world comes to life
And everything's bright
From beginning to end
When you have a friend
By your side
That helps you to find
The beauty you are
When you open your heart
And believe in
When you believe in
When you believe in
The gift of a friend