Breaking Young Divinities

Chapter 22

There is darkness in the soul. It eats away at all good and all humanity. For me, no less than anyone else, this is true. For me, no less than anyone else, life is a bitter and frustrating thing. For me, no less than anyone else, the world drives me crazy.

And how I would love to be crazy! I would love to be totally insane and completely certifiable, just like all those others I have seen. I would live in my own world, totally secure and insulated in it. No matter where I would go, I would be completely absorbed and safe and happy.

All the smells of the world, all the colours, all the feelings, all the joys, all the sorrows, and every other experience that we are heir to would be felt through my swiss-cheese mind. All of these things would be filtered through my warped perspective. All of these things would be tinted and altered and always exactly the way I wanted them.

Every blonde haired girl would be a brunette, and every brunette would be a cute girl with slightly bowed legs, and every cute girl with slightly bowed legs would be her. Everything would be as it was meant to be; everything would be perfect. I would have my peace and we would live together eternally, eternally together, in the full flush of youth.

When I look at you I shudder,

the immenseness of the universe lay before me,

and you are the universe to me,

your eyes speak to my heart,

words I do not hear, but words that I feel,

the way the earth feels the distant thunder of an approaching storm;

the way the grass feels the soft whispers of a summer wind;

the way the tree feels the bird nestled in its branches;

the way the tide feels the moon;

the way the cat feels the warm sun on its outstretched body;

the way the shore feels the embrace of the waves on its beaches;

the way the mountain feels the river running down its gentle slopes;

the way the infant feels its mother;

your eyes speak to my heart.

The bitter cold of February gave way to the damp cold of March. My mind was filled with stirrings of things I can no longer recall. I was agitated, unfocused, and my mind felt shrouded in fog.

One evening, when my mother had gone to sleep, I quietly made my way out of the apartment. The night sky was thick with black and full of stars. I walked down the street to see Jen's old dealer, and everywhere about me the fullness of nature stared at me. The wonders of the world are surprising, even on a lonely March night, yet I didn't appreciate it at the time.

I hopped onto the first-floor balcony and knocked quietly on the window. After a few seconds it slid open.

"Yeah?" the dealer asked.

"Um, can I have a gun?"

"What makes you think I got that kind of stuff?"

"I don't know, you were always good to Jen, so I thought..."

"You were tight with her, eh? Look, I don't do this kind of thing normally, but I'll help you out. How much you got?"

"A hundred dollars."

"Hold on," he said, disappearing from view.

He soon returned and put his hand out. I gave him my money. He handed me a small package wrapped in a plastic bag. I was going to say thank you, but he quickly shut the window.