Hey, it's Calum... [Cashton]

Entry 2

The Flood - Escape The Fate

Hey, it's Calum...

The bad thoughts are back and they're trying to drown me and frankly, I've forgotten how to swim. 

I've picked up smoking again. I know it's bad but I love it. 

We're all addicted to something that takes away the pain, aren't we? 

It just makes me feel numb and I feel like the smoke is swirling down into my lungs and blackening them. Just like everything else. 

Everything is black. Everything is grey. It seems that way at least. There's hardly any color in my life anymore. 

I feel so pressured to be the perfect picture of a human being. The pressure is pushing down on me so hard, I can practically feel the black and blue bruises forming. 

What sucks the most about all this is that no one seems to notice. They're all in their own little world, leaving me off to the side and alone. Then again, it's partly their fault for why I feel like this. They helped bring this upon me. The pain I feel just keeps getting more intense. 

Every time we're doing an interview and they don't let me speak. 

Every time they make fun of my speech impediment. 

Every time they make asian jokes. 

Every time I get ignored. 

Every time I get forgotten. 

It's like I'm not even part of the band. 

It's four years of 5 Seconds of Summer today too. I'm glad Lukey actually acknowledged the fact I helped get Ashton into the band though. My heart might have fluttered a little (or a lot) when he said I had gotten down on one knee for Ashton and either asked him to join the band or proposed. 

That made my day a little better but I'm still feeling down. I can't stop thinking about how much Ashton means to me. He hasn't even apologized yet for screaming at me the other day. Something must be wrong with me, or I must be insane. 

Maybe if I just took a break from the band I'd be better. Get some time alone, although I get enough time alone seeing as almost no one in the band takes notice of me. 

Not to mention, the other day I posted a photo on instagram of Ashton and I with some friends and what does Ashton do? He posts a photo of him and Luke instead. I shouldn't be jealous because he did say in a snapchat video that Lashton is dead and has always been dead basically. But that doesn't stop the hurt I feel. 

Maybe I just need to clear my head, forget about Ashton for a while. Yeah, that seems like a good idea. I'll just focus on hanging out with Luke or Mikey. 

Maybe Ashton will get jealous and miss me so much that he begs me to cuddle with him or just hang out. I doubt it though. But it's worth a try. 

Time to forget Ashton and focus on making my bond with Luke and Michael stronger. 

I hope I won't regret this.

Still love you Ash.

Love always, 

Calum