The Perfect Moment

Part Four

"Andrea, you're really skinny now, I think it's time you start eating again," mum said gently to me when I was downstairs one night.

"I really don't think it's healthy to continue like this, honey. Just look at yourself, will you?" she asked, leading me over to the mirror.

She asked me to lift my top up, and she did she same. She explained to me what fat was, and that I had literally nothing of it. I started crying again.

"Mum?" I asked her. She nodded, telling me it was okay to go on.

"Do I have anorexia?" I asked her, scared to say the word.

"No, you don't have anorexia if you start eating again, sweetie" she answered calmly while pulling me in for a hug.

"How about I make you something good for dinner?" she offered, and I nodded. I didn't know what food tasted like anymore, it felt like.

While I watched her prepare something, I was thinking about the fact that I had myself pretty close to get eating disorders, because of a breakup. How silly was that? No one did that, so why should I?

That was my "plot twist" in life. The fact that I could actually eat again without feeling the urge to throw up, made me happy, and all of my friends were happy to see me eating again. It felt good to eat. I didn't know why I had stopped in the first place. Food is extremely good!

My mind seemed to change quickly, over a month I ate like never before. I ate whatever I felt like; it was everything from a small salad, to a big mac cheeseburger. It didn't matter to me, or my mum, as long as I ate.

I started becoming fat, was now what everyone talked about. I was apparently very entertaining to chat about, because I heard stories from everywhere. They called me fat, and that really made me feel insecure about myself, again. I had learnt that if someone called you skinny, or fat, you shouldn't bother, but when everyone did, I started to question myself. I ended up going to the nurse for advice. I had no idea what to do anymore, and I didn't want to stop eating either.

"I think I had anorexia for about three months ago, and now I'm fat" complained to her. She didn't say anything for a little while, but then when she figured I was done talking, she said:

"Well, it's definitely important that you keep eating, even when you want to lose weight, and I think that you're aware of that," she spoke gently. Then she started boasting me about how clever I was for starting to eat again.

"But you said you used to run?" she asked, changing the theme slightly.

"Yeah."

"That's something you could start doing again, you know, to lose weight without stopping to eat," she suggested.

"Mum, can I tell you something?" I asked her while we were walking in the supermarket.

"Of course" she answered, but her focus wasn't on me, and I didn't like that.

"So I went to the nurse today" I begun while looking at her.

"You did? Why?" she asked, starting to give me more of her focus.

"Because I feel like I'm becoming fat, and I'm scared that I'll become too skinny again if I do something about it," I explained, and she now looked at me, and said:

"What did she tell you?"

"She told me that eating was what I did during a day that was the most important, so I definitely won't stop doing that, but she suggested starting to run again," I said, and mum agreed.

"That's probably a good idea. I'm not calling you fat darling, but you've gained some weight recently, and I think it's important that this don't get out of hand," she assured me, and I agreed.

"Yeah, I think so too, I can become huge if I don't do anything about it."

That night I really wanted to call Luke. I missed talking to him. He used to be my best friend, after all, and now I hadn't talked to him for seven months. It hurt me a bit that I hadn't been thinking that much about him recently. I didn't know if he was thinking about me too, but that shouldn't matter to me. It did, though, because I didn't dare to call him.

Instead I logged onto twitter again, to check what his life was like. It was mostly band-stuff, but there were also a lot pictures of him out, tweeted from pretty much everyone. I couldn't really see what he was feeling.

"Mum, what's wrong with me?" I walked out crying. She looked at me in schock.

"What's wrong sweetie?" she asked gently while getting up to comfort me. "I've been running for a long while now, but I still haven't lost any weight," I explained.

"Oh, honey. It's normal to have a little break before you start losing weight. Don't you worry about that." she assured me.

"You're such a strong person, Andrea. You can do everything you want to do. You've proved that already when you started eating again, so everything is possible." she encouraged me.

"I'm not that strong, though. I've still not managed to get over Luke, and it's almost nine months since I saw him the last time," I said to pull myself back down a little.

"Everything takes time, you know. It only proves that you really loved Luke. and there's nothing wrong with that at all," mom finished.