GONER

33 • The Night Of Many Firsts

"I remember you! I missed you! You never talk to me anymore." He sounded like a child, but I could deal with it.

"You remember that one time you told me to call you if I wanted quality drugs?" I asked shakily, pulling my knees up to my chest. Pain shot up my back when I pushed my spine into the cabinets aligned on the floor, putting all the pressure on my legs, knowing those limbs of my body were the only unharmed. "Well, I want quality drugs."

~~~

"Welcome, welcome!" Murphy laughed, slinging his arm around my shoulder heavily, his bleary eyes swimming in and out of mine. He smelled purely of illegal substances, and I leaned into him, deciding he was very strong, and that refusal probably wasn't a good thing. Even in his state, he was much stronger than me, and I looked up at him, watching as he tried to figure out where his feet were.

And that's how I found myself at a stupid party full of people that had quite a significant amount of years on me, though age didn't seem to matter here. I've never had a sip of alcohol in my life, and I don't think they cared if I was underage, because they handed me numerous bottles anyway. They being the partygoers, that gave off pure weed and cocaine and everything else, but they all seemed so happy and free and young, and I kind of wanted that. So, I ended up taking a dark bottle full of dark liquid, from a girl who a tattoo on her boob and wide hips, nodding my thanks awkwardly. I didn't see her again, but I do remember the look on her face when she watched me take the beer from her, like I've never seen it before. Which is partly because I haven't. Not this close, and in my face, anyway.

Murphy's long arms came from behind me, a bottle opener in his hand, and he popped the top of skillfully, dropping it on to the counter we were next to. The strong scent drafted upwards towards the both of us, and I screwed my nose up, looking down at it.

"Do you know how to drink?" Murphy slurred in my ear, a small laugh bubbling on the end of his sentence. I could feel the warmth of his body pressed against mine, and I vaguely remember going through my options, before I chose the worst one, and, suddenly, I had my first bottle of beer.

~~~

Eventually, LSD came into play, and I was sitting on a couch with people I've never seen before in my life, trying to make sense of shaking objects. I understood the dangers, but didn't go through them correctly at the time, and it's official. Tonight is the night of many firsts, and I might have hoped they wouldn't turn into anything more, and I also might have wanted them to.

No one spoke to me, which is what I wanted. The laughter spun around and around in my head, and the alcohol churned my insides, and I knew there was a hundred emotions trying to fight their way out of me, and I don't think I could hold a conversation with any of them if I tried.

Because the thing about this, is that a lot of things fell directly from it. Drugs never come as just drugs, and if I hadn't learned that from this entire event, I hadn't learned anything. Because even though I was laughing along with them, I felt detached, and just as lost as I did when I got here. You could look at me and tell that things like this just weren't things I was made to do, and that none of this was natural to me, but no one looked deep enough.

"I never kissed Amber!" Murphy shouted brokenly at another boy, with blonde hair and glossy eyes. "So chill the fuck out with that, would you?"

"Why? Natalie's not even here," he chuckled back, handing half a blunt over to Murphy. He took it expertly, and his hands look made to hold drugs, and mine didn't.