When I Met You

Prelude

Don't let go.
I scream through all the noise, he may not hear me, it doesn't matter.
I haven't seen him in almost a year, I planned to slap him to make him feel bad for leaving me. Now I'm just holding his hand again.  When we met it was a beautiful thing. We had each healed the other and it was the months where we could feel safe to be us. We could live like normal people again we didn't have to hide, we didn't have to run. It could forever be us and we could be safe. A thought different from anything anyone had ever said about us. They always tell the people that sit there quietly while people insult them, the people who stand there quietly while people try to get on their nerves, the people who see what they love be swept away and die in an instint and don't shed a tear, the people who see themselves on the verge of collapse and blame only themselves. They always tell people like us good things will come around. That promise came true all at once and then, left all at once. The worst part, I'm not sure I'm better now. I'm not sure what was worse. The lonely outsider, the madly inlove girl who wouldn't stop searching, the frieghtened creature the truth created, or now the fact that I could have him back just to lose him.
What's more important safety or him?
What's more important the fact he's back or the fact that there could be a gun around the corner?
What's more important my life, the fact I might not be in mortal danger right now, or meeting him?
I wished I hadn't thought that I would have to choose the later, and I knew I would meet him on the sandy banks of Palmdara again.  I remember that night. I had gone out to the sea, I was attepting to drown. Being under dark rule brings about dark times. The goverment is corrupt. You can't fight it. You can just leave it behind. I was going to leave all of my past behind. I drew a line in the sand with my toe. I approached the bay and wade into the shallow water. The water weighs on my dress and mud sticks to my feet. I stare at the moon. It's my sun it's almost all I ever see. Life made it clear it didn't want me, it's okay I don't want life anyways. I lived at night cause I didn't want to see the faces, not when mine was so ugly. My shoulders dipped down into the water not because the water was rising but because I'm sinking. I've been sinking for years now. I've been under lies and conspiracies, and the personal depressing memories that now make up my low self esteem and my "wonderful" opinion of myself. I don't need to care anymore though, because I can leave it all. My neck is cold with the water as I step farther in. I've converted from air to water, breathing in the water as my new oxygen. Something in my brain says to me, your too weak to face life? You're just gonna quit? Sounds like you. Never trying, never succeeding even if you try and you know it's true. I know it's true. I don't want to see anything else about myself, I just want to leave. When I step forward my wish is granted. All I see is the blue and the gray. Blue is my favorite color and now I will see it as I die. I step past my height and the walls of the water close around my body. I just stand there. I may have shed a tear for never seeing the twins grow up, but in the water no one can tell. I feel my lungs scream at me. My heart doesn't have pity. I just close my eyes and accept that I'm a flaw. I wasn't meant to be. And neither was what happened next.