You're my goal

Chapter 15

Sav sighed as she went into a low squat, balancing on the the tips of her feet. Focusing herself under where my eyes remain, she looks at me waiting to catch my attention before speaking. "You only do that to those closest to you."

She's trying to mask any tells on her face. She's trying not to wear any emotion that would take away from her words but I can see it, in her eyes, the pain is there. That I've done this to her before, too. Her eyes falter a little before speaking again, "...and you don't let many people that close to you."

"For good reason apparently." I let out a twisted laugh of sorts, crying with more emotion than I'd like to give away.

"You're independent. You like being alone, you like your own company. You enjoy thinking, and being stranded with your own thoughts. You don't wear your emotions on your sleeve. You don't easily trust and you too easily care for others. It's just part of you. It's not bad, no, I wouldn't say that." I look to return her stare, curious how she so easily observed all of this.

"It makes you strong. I know your morals, Ash, and I know you value them highly so you can improve yourself to help others- not just for your own gain. You value individualism and that's ok, but you're too involved in it lately. I've always known you to overthink but never to over feel."

"I'm too cautious for that." I state boldly. Interjecting to make my stand, that I know myself just as much as she does.

Sav looks at me directly, challenging my tone. "So where are you drawing the line? The line between caution and paranoia? You over think to find perspective where you're too shy to ask someone. When are you going to let yourself feel and stop thinking for once!"

"When I'm ready to get hurt!" Involuntarily my voice raised from being provoked.

"You can't always look for the worst outcome!" She yells out at me. In a large empty room we choose to stand directly next to each other- shouting.

"I plan on it! Sav, the best case scenario is like winning the lottery. I'm not to be so naïve." I give her a cold look. If she knows me so well how could she label me as being so incompetent?

"So you'd rather live in fear, in the shadow of your thoughts then put yourself out there?"

I glance up at her, not disagreeing. "Why?" Her voice breaks and she looks at me in a way I can't face her, so I fail to hold eye contact again.

"I'd rather know things than go by my gut. I feel safer knowing."

"I'm aware of that but what happens when you think all your opportunities away?" I've already accepted I'm an introvert when it comes to my thoughts, so when will she learn?

I look up giving her a small smile, "I guess I'll just think of new ones." Her eyes more pleading than ever see right through me. She is one of the only two people that can and it scares me. That I've become so transparent to her, that to her I can't pull down my sleeves to hide what I'm feeling. And it's often for that reason that I can't hold her gaze.

"Please just try to feel." I shake my head in the slightest motion, unable to make amends with this one agreement.

"Promise me you'll let yourself begin to feel?"

I whisper something below my breath upon hearing her. Something I read a while ago and something that's followed me since. Ask for no guarantees, ask for no security, there never was such an animal.

Ive learned not to promise what I know I cannot definitely obtain. "I can't promise you," I pull back the hair out of my face and look at her directly for the first time during this conversation. "But I'll try."