You are the only one

Chapter 7

Winter Break is actually here and so far the whole slumber party idea hasn’t happened yet. Bridgit has sent me texts saying how she went camping with her parents, but she is not sure when she’ll be back. If the plan doesn’t happen, I’m actually okay with it.  I’ve been feeling depressed and I would rather be alone than for Bridgit to see me like this. Since Matt being gone, I’ve been feeling alone. For example, I call Matt every single day and so far he hasn’t been able to call me back. Whenever I call him, it will go straight to his voicemail. My mom on the other hand, has been working nonstop and she hasn’t been able to spend that much time with me. Even though I get annoyed with her in the morning for her wake up calls, she is least around when I was. With both of them gone, I’ve been having deep thought about my whole life in general. For example, when was the last time I’ve felt fullness? When was the last time I had a good birthday celebration? When was the last time I’ve felt happiness? This all sums up to one person, my dad. My dad would always be the one to make me smile everyday. He would be the one who would fill my emptiness. Now I have no one who can replace that. Tears started to come down my face as I start to remember the good times with my dad. I’m just so tired of being so sad and I’m tired of getting so mad. I just don’t know what to do in my life anymore. I don’t know whom to trust anymore. Then I start to think about David. You can see the sadness in his eyes when I talked to him face to face. I’m not sure if he’s sad because I’m not his friend or if he’s sad because I’m not around him? Looking at him with that expression on his face is just heart breaking. I really want to forgive him, but I just don’t want to get hurt. I’ve been hurt my whole life, but getting hurt by someone you love hurts the most. Do I really love David? Saying his name just makes me smile and I feel my cheeks being warm. Maybe it is love, yet am I just so badly hurt that I can’t love anyone? Is that the reason why I push people away? So that even though I’m badly hurt, no one is able to fix me? More tears started to come down my face, I just don’t understand. I took out my blade out of my drawer and started to cut myself until my mind is fully gone with these kinds of thoughts. I just feel so torn.