GONER

24 • Cafeteria Collapse and Notes Suicide

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Almost as soon as we got in, someone threw a condom packet in Josh's face.

It was some girl that I've never seen before, with long blonde hair and long legs, and she smirked at him, turning back towards her locker. People were laughing, or trying to hold in their laughs, and my eyes moved around them in disgust. It shocked me at first, but he told me not to react, and to be civil, and his fingers were laced with mine, and he was pulling me down the hallway with the feeling of deep anticipation leaking through me. Our lockers were still a ways away, well, mine was, and his face was blank as we walked among everyone, their eyes glued to us. His hold on my hand didn't even waver, and I tried to keep myself as steady as possible for him.

This is the first time my locker has ever felt such a long distance away. Every step I took, made it harder to not turn around and punch someone in the face. Because, as I scanned the eyes of everyone in here, this wasn't okay. It wasn't okay to call people sluts, or to throw handcuffs at them, or to slap their butts, or to call them Daddy. It was disgusting and wrong, and made my blood simmer in my body. Instead of making me cold and shaping me the way this was supposed to, it made me feel very helpless and pointless, and that scared me.

"It's Todd Day!" James, one of Dennis' friends I recognized by name, said, slapping Josh on his back much too hard to do any good. He didn't even look at me, and I wondered what exactly Josh had to keep me out of. It was a horrifying thought, and I swallowed thickly. "You remember, right? You have to remember."

Josh laughed tightly. "Course I remember. How could I forget?"

"What's Todd day?" I asked quickly, my eyes darting around as everyone soaked in the information I still didn't know about. My throat was opening and closing in a panicking way, and I looked up at him, only to see him biting his lip, and having him pull me even further.

"This day," he smiles sickly. "Marks the first time I actually slept with anyone from school. His name was Todd." My nose scrunched up with the thought of Josh having sex with someone, but I shrugged. That wasn't as big of a deal as I thought. "Today, four years ago."

And then it hit me like some sort of invisible brick, that pushed things that weren't tangible in the air, making them tangible, and around me. It made me sick to my stomach, and I felt so so so bad for mentally reacting this way, but my heart sunk desperately at the thought. "Josh?"

"Yes, Tyler?"

"You were thirteen years old."

"I know. I'm sorry."

I wanted to tell him not to apologize, and that I wasn't mad, and that it didn't matter to me, but it did matter. Honestly, it did. I felt so strange knowing Josh had sex so young, and I wondered why he did. But I also knew that he was waiting for me to abandon him, and call him the things everyone else was, and take advantage of the situation. But I refused.

And this must be why everyone treats him this way.

"I'll explain later," he repeated, taking his free hand and running it through his hair with a small huff. It was short and messy, and it looked like he didn't care about it enough to fix it, or anything. I could see, though, how in his head, it wouldn't matter to him nearly as much as anything else. I could imagine his thought process right now, and it made me want to shrink away from everyone that made him feel so bad about himself.