We Made It

She's Not Coming Back

Lily Marie Potter died on November 12, 1981 while still under the influence of the coma. She never opened her eyes, she never held her baby boy in her arms again. There were no final words, no despairing last breaths. She just.....didn't wake up.

****

"No." Said a hoarse whispery voice. "No. Nononono Lily! Lily! YOU CANT DIE. YOU CANT. PLEASE! I LOVE YOU!" The maddening cries echoed down the hall. James clutched at her hand. A cold hand that he knew wouldn't grip back.

"No." He whispered again. "Please. Please Lily. Get up. Get up!" The nurses had relayed the new to James a mere hour before this. Now, his wheezing breaths carried throughout the room. He sat in the wooden straight backed chair clutching his head between his hands.

It's got to be a bad dream, he thought. Yeah. That's it. I'm sleeping and this is a nightmare. But the longer he waited to wake up, the more real the scene became. Lily was gone. His Lily, was gone forever.

"Please, Lily," he begged, "I can't have lost you. I failed you. I'm so sorry I failed you......" He was trembling, squeezing her hand, as if willing her to get up and smile. To open her eyes and speak. To love like only Lily could. But she was gone, gone from this world.

The door cracked and Remus entered. He stood silently, and watched James.

The man's broken. He thought. Hate to watch him hurt so much.

Remus walked over to James and placed a hand on his shoulder.

"I should have saved her. That should be me."
He whispered.

"James......there was nothing you could do.....you almost died yourself...."

"Yeah, but I didn't. She did. She's gone because of me!" A sorrowful cry erupted from him. Remus looked at Lily's form and felt overwhelming sadness fill him. "H-how will I raise Harry without her?" A heartbroken whisper asked, as hazel eyes longingly and helplessly looked at her body. "She was my rock, Remus....." Remus felt his hands trembling.

"W-we'll help raise Harry, Prongs. We'll do it together. You, Sirius, and me." James sat quietly as if contemplating the idea and then nodded. "Good." Remus said, desperate to leave the room. "Um...I'm going to go get Sirius." He quickly left the room and turned left down a hall that led deep into the hospital. Enclosing himself in an empty ward, Remus whispered, "muffliato" and began to sob.

The heaving breaths racked his body but made him feel worse. Lily was gone. Lily was gone. For being in a horrific war, he'd never thought he'd hear those words. Suddenly, rage began to fill him quickly. He stood clench fisted and flipped a small table onto it's side with a wolfish snarl. He pounded on the walls and kicked the empty bed repeatedly. When finished, breathing heavily, he slumped onto the beaten bed and closed his eyes. Praying that something would change even though he know it would not.

"Anger issues, my boy?" Asked a voice from above the bed. A squat wizard wearing green healers robes was looking idly around, examining Remus' work.

"No sir. Just having trouble coping. That's all." He spat hotly.

"Death of a loved one?"

"You could say that."

"Ah. The healers see that often nowadays. Terrible. Terrible event it is. Naturally, you must find a way to grieve over the loss....." Remus could feel his anguish rising again as the wizard continued on his spiel. After what seemed hours, the wizard trotted out of his frame, leaving Remus seething on the bed.

He would kill Peter if he ever saw him again. He would kill him. Who would have ever thought that Peter, quiet little Peter who had always needed someone bigger to look out for him, would turn on his own friends. His BEST friends and kill Lily. Lily was actually kind to him. It sickened him. If James didn't need him, Remus would go kill Peter on his own. He tried to control his breathing. The inner wolf within him was writhing, he could feel it. The thought frightened Remus. Could the wolf come out even when he was human? Remus got off of the bed, gathered himself, and exited the small room.

************

Sirius was in shock. He sat in the waiting room of St. Mungo's, Harry in his arms, but was absent from scuffling and bustle around him.

Lily is gone.

Sirius hadn't believed James when he'd told him. Now, in the loud, busy room, the reality and gravity hit. It threatened to crush him, but as he held Harry near, he knew that he had to brace himself and keep moving.

Sirius knew loss. He knew it well. Sirius knew grief, and pain, and guilt. He'd felt it when Regulus had been sorted Slytherin. He'd felt it when he had left Grimmauld Place and Regulus behind. He'd felt it when he had learned that Remus was afflicted. He'd felt it when Mr. and Mrs. Evans had been murdered, when Mr. and Mrs. Potter had passed, and when they had left Hogwarts, his first true home. He had truly known grief when Marlene McKinnon, his only love, was murdered by Lord Voldemort and his followers. Sirius had refused to eat for days after that, refused to speak to anyone but James.......and Lily. Sweet Lily who was like a sister to him. A sister who understood what it was like to have troubles at home. A sister who had lost her mother and father to the same person who had taken his lover. If anyone knew grief as he did, it was Lily. And now, she was gone.

"Pafoo?" Harry whispered softly as he tugged at Sirius's hair. He jerked and turned his head to the boy in his lap who was a carbon copy of James except for his eyes. Lily's eyes. "Mama, Pafoo." Harry whispered again. Sirius felt tears welling in his eyes but he blinked them away.

"Ok, Harry. Come on, we'll go see Mama." He picked the toddler up and carried him through the halls until he reached the door. He opened it and slipped inside. James had fallen asleep with his head leaned against the wall, his handsome face was gaunt and dark and it looked as if he were reliving some painful memory. Sirius walked silently across the room to Lily's bed as she had not been moved yet.

"Mama?" Harry called. Sirius bowed his head. "Mama!" He called again, thoroughly confused on why his mother would not hold him. Harry began to become angry. "Mama! Mama! Mama!" He tried over and over again, begging for the woman on the bed, his mother, to raise up and take him into her arms.

"She's not coming back, Harry." Said a ghostly whisper from behind them. Harry's bottom lip trembled.

"Mama...." He called softly.

"She's not coming back." James repeated forcefully, his voice breaking. "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND? SHE'S GONE. SHE'S GONE AND IT'S MY FAULT. IT'S MY FAULT!" James crumpled to the floor on his knees as Harry began to cry. Sirius felt his own tears slip down his cheeks as he too slumped to his knees, Harry still in his arms. The three sobbed and cried until Harry cried himself to sleep and James and Sirius could cry no more.