Nikki pov
Dear twin,
Hey. I don't know what to say while having a million things I want to tell you about. It may not make sense but since when did we make sense? It was our thing. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I have a million things to say but don't know where to start. Starting things are always so darn hard! Where do I start? The funeral? The place where I went absolutely crazy and jumped in after you? But I'm pretty sure Dean already told you about that in full detail. Dean, I guess we start with Dean.
So Dean is the reason I'm writing this. You can say he inspired me. Ew, I never thought I hear or see myself saying Dean inspired me. Weird...... <--Are those little dots allowed in letters? I have not a clue how to write. Yes, yes if you were here you'd laugh at me while not knowing any better. Anyway, where was I? Right Dean. Dean is complete and total mess. That's the most accurate way I can describe him without using a whole novel of words that all means hurt. He hasn't stopped crying. There isn't a day since you pass he have stopped crying, or at least when I'm around. His eyes are always bloodshot red, nose red like the reindeer and bags under his eyes. Yip, he looks like shit. He came over by me yesterday and fell asleep on the couch. Few moments after when I looked at him he had tears falling from his eyes WHILE SLEEPING!! He cries for you in his sleep Brianna. Brie, I've never seen him or anyone else as broken and hurt in my life. It's like he is a broken shell that only knows how to cry. The mischievous look he always sported, is nowhere to be found. It's like it went under yoda or something. Or is it over yonda? You know what I mean. He needs you Brianna he needs you.
Not only does Dean need you but so do I. Dean haven't stopped crying and neither have I. Every single day I try to be strong and fearless and you pop in my mind and I burst out in tears. My last match before I took a break from WWE had to be stopped because I couldn't control my tears and neither could Paige. I need you. I want my little sister back. I want my twin back. It's like I don't know what to do without you. I call and call your number about a thousands times but to no avail. Brie, I wish you were here with me right now. It's like the world is suddenly a different place, everything seems so new to me. And could you blame me? I've lived my whole entire existence with you and only you. It's like a cloud of darkness is suddenly surrounding my world and as much as I try to fight it I can't. It's a match I'd never win. Who knew you were my light?
I basically torture myself. But what else could I do? I'm use to seeing your face almost everyday. Not only by crying every time I look in the mirror because I see my identical twin's face. I watch videos of us together on YouTube. Like the way you ran into the ring and hugged me when I won, where we smiled at each other and attack others. I watch them all the time everyday and cry. I watch videos of your promos just to make sure I'd never forget your voice. I watch our total divas clips and converse back with you through them so I could get the illusion that you're still here with me. So I can get that feeling of normalcy. The feeling I'm use too. But it's never the same. Yes, it maybe stupid but it the closest thing I have to speak to you and actually hear you reply. Even if it's through a phone or laptop screen, even if we had that conversation a millions times. I'd have it a million more because I need to hear you and speak to you. So if it's stupid I don't care, it's the closest thing I've got to normalcy. If it is torture, it is even more torturous not to hear your voice. Or see you smile again. I don't care if it's the only thing I can do.
You made me strong. Honestly when you were alive, I'd never say that, I didn't even know that. I knew that I needed you but I didn't know you were my strength. People always say that you shouldn't relay on someone for your strength but I don't care. Is it so wrong, so bad, so needy of me to say you made me strong? I need you Brianna, because quite frankly I'm weaker without you. I need you to keep me from falling apart. I will always have you in my heart because you make strong. You made me fearless, feel safe because I know even when we were mad at each other you had my back and I had yours. Love really do make you stronger. You help me find my way through the dark.
Would it be better if I had one more day and night for goodbye? Would it be better? Would this feeling of not completing things with you still be here? I never once thought about how it would be like if one of us die. I guess I always had this idea we would die together, you know? It only made sense. I wanted us to die together or I die first. I always thought in a way I'd be the first to die so I never pictured you dying. It all happened so suddenly. It's like we had no idea until that day. I still remember it to clearly for my liking. I remember screaming your name when you fell because I knew that was it. Life can be gone in an instant. Maybe if I had one just one more night with you I'd wouldn't be feeling so incomplete. I can't sleep properly, it's just these four walls and me.
Who do I have? Mom? JJ? Coworkers? Dean? Sure, but not of them compare to you. Whose going to be there for me when I'm crying my eyes out? Who am I suppose to call when I want to spy on someone without feeling bad for wasting their time? Who am I suppose to go to medical check ups with? Who am I suppose to talk twin with? Cry with? Fight with but make up instantly with? Who is going to annoy me to no end without caring? Randomly hit each other because we can? Who is going to help me put on my clothes when I injure my hand again? Who's going to the first person I call in the morning when I'm sick or just want to annoy? Take out a million pictures of or with? Who is going to be the next half of the Bella's with? My partner is crime for life? Take on the world with? Be a mother to and tell them what to do even if we're the same age? Call dumb and not care? Who is going to tell me I'm ridiculous everyday and tell me I spend too wildly while doing the same? Who is going to replace you? All those questions same answer, no one. No one will ever compare to you. It's like I lost myself. Brie like I continue to say I need.
Not only me who need you but everyone else. Before I left the divas locker room and the whole WWE family just seemed so gloomy. Everyone gave Dean, Randy and I sorry looks. Randy is also on vacation along with Dean and I. He is is your best friend. The guy is complete mess without you! Dean is an even bigger mess! Dean needs you. Randy needs you. I need you. Mom needs you. JJ needs you. We all need you. But we will never get you back.
So all I have left to say is that I miss you, I don't know if I can do life without you but I'm trying. And most importantly even now that you're gone, I love you. You're still the most important person in my life. Still the only I cry for. The only person I'm giving up on life for. The only person I'd love the way I love you. But trust me I'm trying, I'll try for you. Just stay with me, just don't lose faith in me. Please, if there was a way to comeback please find it. I love you Brianna, always had and I always will.
All the love, Nikki
To my beautiful, crazy, hippie, stubborn, Angel of a sister,
Brianna
(A/n: I hope you enjoyed Nikki's part. I tried to make it as Nikki as possible and yeah. Life's is a gift, so cherish it. 💕💯😘❤️💋😃😢😝👯. Ps sorry for any errors )
