Laughter. All around me, yet, so far away. I used to think I could drown myself in the lies the sound created but now it doesn't quite reach. Still, I keep up the act nonetheless; smile, laugh, physical contact with a giggle. It must always look as if nothing is wrong. Never let it show, never let them see. Perhaps that's how it started. My infatuation with him.
Creepy and gloomy, that's how everyone sees him but to me he's ..different. Everything I want to be yet never can be. Dark and beautiful, pure and honest. Jake Ryans. In a day and age where beauty is everything I don't see how he doesn't stand above us all. Silky black hair falling around his face, pale clear skin accented by dark cloths and bright crystal blue eyes that remind me of pure beautiful ice. I've always watched him, ever since orientation freshman year. 3 years ago. Watched but never approached. I never could. As wrapped as I am in lies I could never deal with his honesty. As if to make contact would shatter everything I took so long to build up.
But. Maybe... just once.
".......Claire....Clarissa!"
"Yes!" I yell out shocked and everyone around me starts to laugh.
"You're such a spazz. Pretty girls with no brains only get so far you know." My best friend Taylor says with a flip of her short mouse brown hair.
"Leave her alone she's cute!" Dylan, Taylor's rival/true love(though she doesn't know yet) says.
The crowd around us bursts into conversation mostly about me and I smile seeming appropriately embarrassed. Without Dylan and Taylor I wouldn't be able to even pretend like this they've been right beside me through it all. But even they see what everyone else sees.
Clarissa Daniel, the beautiful red haired-green eyed girl who is always smiling. The girl everyone loves because she's always so bright and positive. Me and yet not me. I sometimes think I made her too well.
"Look who just showed up."
"Should've just stayed home."
I look up to see Jake walking down the hall and watch as the crowd parts around him. He's wearing black jeans and a dark green turtleneck under his black jacket. His eyes seem piercing as they stare directly in front of him before flicking to the side. And for one brief moment they pierce my own before he looks forward again.
"Did you just see that, he just glared at Claire!" Taylor hisses glaring after Jake in turn.
I thank the nonexistent gods that I was leaning against the lockers because I'm sure my legs would have gone weak. His gaze was like lightening, piercing through me in an instant and illuminating every hidden shadow within. The fear of that gaze and what it could see overwhelmed me and yet intoxicated me.
More...
My heart is beating so light yet heavy and fast. I feel as if electricity has enter my veins. Life. As if compelled I suddenly decide that this feeling, what ever it may be, is one that I will decide to place my very "life" on.
Let the countdown begin.
~7~
I let out a deep sigh as I make it into the library alone. I walk to the very back into the darker part of the library where no one goes except to do freaky stuff. I had set up a place with bean bag chairs years ago, even persuaded the teachers to leave it be, and when I get there I sit down. I stare at my hands and realize just how bad they are shaking. Dylan didn't mean it he was only joking I know but still I feel like I'm about to break down. I have to hold it together, just for a little longer.
"Are you okay?"
I jump. How in the hell did someone find me?! I take a deep breath and smile up at them.
