Immediately I push his hand away and then push him backwards. "Dan wasn't 'just a friend', and you know it! You ruined everything so can you just go!"
Chris stumbles backwards. But when he gains his balance again he stays in the same spot. Not moving.
"I said go away!" I yell, pushing him once more. This time he falls to the ground.
My face is burning from the yelling and the anger and the crying. I can feel a headache starting to form.
I say one last thing before I close the door, "And don't ever come back." I say, then slamming the door in his face.
Once the door closes I'm breathing heavily, staying in the same spot, and staring at the door.
It's all your fault.
It's all my fault.
It's all your fault
Yes. It is.
I shake my head and clear my thoughts before walking back upstairs, still having some trouble breathing. I walk into Dan's room and wipe the tears at my eyes. Taking a deep, breath I try to calm myself down.
I pick the picture back up and lay in Dan's bed.
I miss him so much.
I look at the picture, specifically at Dan. I've memorized every little detail about him. From the way he stands, to his dimple, to the signature Dan Howell smirk he has in almost all of his photos.
If he were here today would he look the same? What would've possibly changed about him? He might've gotten a haircut? But I can't see him without his long fringe.
Maybe he would have been more muscular?
Who am I kidding? He always hated exercising.
I chuckle at the thought of Dan ever going to the gym. He would come home complaining and just lay in his bed, exhausted.
And I would laugh and probably make fun of him, because that's just how our relationship worked. But no matter how much I would make fun of him, I would always say that I loved him afterwards.
Because no matter what happened, we would always end with an 'I love you.' Just so we know that even if we fight we would never stop loving eachother.
Our last fight didn't end on an 'I love you.'
It ended on, 'It's all your fault.'
Those were the last words I ever heard Dan say.
Those are the words I hear in my head on a daily basis. The words that haunt me.
If I could see him one last time, I would just make sure it didn't end on those words because they hurt. It hurts so much knowing that Dan thought everything was my fault.
I lay there in Dan's bed for what seems like forever, but in reality it probably has just been a couple of hours.
Thinking about things is just all I seem to do lately. And it's always about Dan. I just can't get him out of my head.
I look over to the bedside table at his clock.
11:10 pm.
I've always believed in these kinds of things ever since I was a kid. I would always try them out whether it was wishing upon a star, wishing wells, or just simply making a wish at 11:11.
Not that it ever actually worked, but I would always try. That little spring of hope inside me that my wish just might actually come true.
I watch as the clock turns to 11:11. Might as well.
Sighing, I sit up in the bed. I look at the picture I still hold in my hand and look at Dan one last time before I close my eyes shut.
I wish I could see Dan again. Just one last time.
I let out a breath and slowly open my eyes.
He's not here. Of course he isn't. What was I even thinking?
Looking over to the clock I see it's 11:12. Did I miss the wishing time, or did it just change to that? I probably missed it.
I really shouldn't be as disappointed as I am. Did I really think that withing at 11:11 was going to bring Dan back? God, I'm an idiot.
I'm never going to see Dan again so I just need to accept it.
I sigh and lay back down.
Whatever. I'm going to bed.
I close my eyes and slowly start to fall asleep. The only thing in my head, Dan.
* * *
AHH IM SO EXCITED FOR THIS BOOK.
Thank you so much for reading, I hope you enjoyed the first chapter!
I promise the chapters will become longer and more interesting as time goes on.
I plan to update every other Wednesday, because if you have read my other books, you know that writing long chapters takes a lot of energy and creativity out of me.
(wow what a great author. she cant even write a normal chapter like everyone else can easily do)
Anyways thank you, again, for reading and I hope you have a great rest of your day
bye xx
all my fault.
Start from the beginning
