When A Heart Breaks (Spoe one-shot)

No It Don't Break Even

(Song: "Breakeven" by The Script)

(Spencer)

"Hey, this is Joe, I'm not here right now so leave me a message. Byeeee!"

I forcefully hit the end call button for the fiftieth time today, I kinda lost count at this point. I'm such an idiot. Why did I have to make him cry like that? I watched the best thing that ever happened to me walk out of my life five days ago, and it was all my fault.

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing.

The pain in my chest made my breathing feel like such an awful chore. He was my best friend, my lover, my everything, and I had to let Mr. Hyde come out one too many times. One more time was all it took to give him a reason to leave. And now here I am, hoping he can find a reason to come back to the mess that I am.

For the most part, everything was good. At least, it started out that way. I knew that the first time I let my dark side show, the Sith that we were both obsessed with, it would lead to a slippery slope of heartbreak. But I thought I could fix it somehow. We were going to get married in a few months, and everything would be fine. The engagement band that was a surprise birthday present sat on the nightstand beside me, right next to my phone with the nearly-shattered screen.

I was never one to believe in love. Even at a young age, when all the kids in my grade were force-fed stories of fairy tale endings, I refused to believe any of it. See, I was always, what the school system would call, a "problematic child". I had anger issues that came out against my will. I hurt anyone who tried to come near me, and I wanted nothing more than to love, and be loved. When Joe came into my life at that bus stop on that dark rainy day, I just knew for sure that he would fix me. I knew for sure that we would be a cliche movie couple: the sweet, cheery half meets the broken half, and would magically make me whole. And it worked for a while, but it had been so much a part of me that the damage on myself was irreversible, and eventually it was the same for the damage I left on Joe.

What am I gonna do when the best part of me was always you?

My phone buzzed and lit up, and I quickly jumped to answer it, hoping my Joesy would call me back. But it was just a notification from Facebook, reminding me about a party Joe and I were invited to tonight. To distract my mind, I logged on and scrolled for a while. The silly pictures and status jokes did help, until I saw it.

"Joe Vitrano is single."

And what am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're OK?  

He did it. I was dreading having to change that, but he did it for me. I read the comments, people leaving their condolences and apologies for the sudden end of our relationship. Then I reached the end: "Write a comment..." So I did.

"Joe, my dear Joesy, I'm so sorry for all the pain I put you through. I feel like such a coward, hiding behind this keyboard to tell you this. You were truly one of the best things that ever happened to me, and I didn't show you how much I appreciated you enough, especially in the times that I should have. I want to hear your voice again. I want to say I'm sorry, and I want to actually say it. And, if you decide that you want to move on, leave me behind forever, I won't blame you. All I want is for you to be happy, even if you find that happiness in the arms of another person. Just... I can't apologize to you enough, for everything. Please... just find the happiness you deserve."

I read through it with teary eyes, but deleted it all. If he ever wants to speak to me again, I'll tell him then. Only then will he be able to see that I honestly do miss him, not just a facade to make him stay with me.

I closed out the Facebook app and saw the picture: me and Joe, riding down a long escalator after our long flight from London. His smile, as sleepy as it was, was still genuine as ever, and suddenly the thought of his tears came back to my mind. I was the cause of those, and he never did anything to deserve them.

Oh, you got his heart and my heart and none of the pain

You took your suitcase, I took the blame.

I want him in my arms again. I don't want to imagine him in another's, but if it makes him happy, I'll just have to live with what I've done. It'll hurt for a while, but the thought of him finding love again will hopefully become a better thought as time goes on. And now I have to wait, for the jagged edges of my broken heart to fall into place.

I'm falling to pieces,

(One still in love while the other one's leaving)

I'm falling to pieces

('Cause when a heart breaks, no, it don't break even)

(If you're reading this, I'm sorry that it was poopy but it's 12:30 at night and I wanted to write a Spoe one-shot. I promise that if I write more in the future, they will be written when I'm well awake and have more coherent ideas. Thanks to kevin-is-sp00ky on Tumblr for listening to my random Spoe ramblings, this one's for you.)