I was 15 when I lost my first....
(Don't take any of this literal)
I was five days late and some of my family members assumed I was pregnant....
I guess in their heads it all made sense it all pieced together....
I was five days late and the man I was infatuated with walked back into my life...
He wasn't finished with me yet....
You see I thought I loved your father, I was crazy for him...
He gave me butterflies.. all he had to do was call out my name and I'd come....
Some moments with him I felt like I was dreaming telling myself this can't be real.
But he wasn't right and he knew it
I thought he'd be a good father thoughts flashed into my head that if I had you...he'd stay and raise you....
But then I thought who am I kidding....
You are beautiful and mommy loves you.
I bet you have black curly hair like your grandfather or you have your father's eyes....
I bet you've have plump pink lips like his or small thin lips like mine...
I bet you'll love your father. That he'll teach you how to drift and fly a airplane
I bet you'll love his smile when he holds you in his arms with that special gleam in his emerald eyes....
The thought of soon I'd have a little mini me running around or a mixture of your father and I....
It warmed my heart..
I had been suffering from baby fever for a while..
Seeing so many mixed kids running around with they're multiracial families and multitextured hair of shades of ginger, bronze, raven, and gold.
I looked at your father and thought of how I would have to raise you alone.
My fever worsened I could barely stand around children without tearing up
It's hard to break it to you, but Daddy didn't love mommy.... He just liked her ....He knew inside he wasn't a good enough man for mommy....
I got so used to lying myself it alarmed me when I would notice it... it was truly alarming how disarming he was...
The five days turned to seven and then the pain started...
"Sex won't make him love you and a baby won't make him stay..."
My body ached in irregular pain...my cousin started questioning me.... asking if I was pregnant....
"Regardless if I'm your wife, this new life here imma love it I ain't budging I just do this by my mothetfuckin' self See my mama raised me without no motherfuckin' help from a man..."
Your father was an charismatic man, he just didn't know how to deal with his feelings too well....
I was attracted to men who seemed to have their lives figured out cause I didn't....
He had black wavy hair and a scruffy beard, the build of a man, broader shoulders, muscular and toned, he was 6 feet tall over towering over me
His eyes...oh his eyes were this beautiful color, it's so hard to describe they were like the scenery of Ireland different shades of Verde... I swear if you look long enough you'd be in a trance
His lips... they were so different... not big, not small... yet I feel like they're not medium
Plump. Pink. Pursed. Stretched. Relaxed. Smooth. A work of art if you had asked me....
His large hands would've made you feel so small yet so safe and protected
I would've done anything for that man.... He meant so much to me...
But you see... Mommy thought Daddy was a good man... no turns out he was just honest.
Through it all I stayed. I submitted. I continued to care when your father never really did in the first place...
I was blinded by what I thought were signs sent by God himself and a self written prophecy of some man perfect for me... so perfect in fact he was like an angel sent by God to show me I can be loved, that I'm not alone....
Luke, was his name... he was charismatic, magnetic and electric just like your father...
He gave respect where it was due and he loved until it hurt...
Cause...if I never had you.... there I could never lose you...
Tell me mama please why you be drinking all the time? Does all the pain he brought you still linger in your mind?
