what do we do now? [muke af]

nineteen

nineteen

Luke sat in Dan's office, staring out the open window to the grey skies above him. "I don't know why I feel like this, it's just something in my gut telling me Mike is doing it again."

"Describe this feeling."

"I don't know, I wake up in the morning and he's beside me sound asleep, but something doesn't seem right. Something in my mind is telling me he was out."

Dan tapped a dark blue pen on the binder in front of him. "Has he done anything recently to make you believe that?"

Luke shrugged, "I don't know. I just think I need to trust my gut on this."

"Are you going to talk to him about it?"

He shrugged again, biting at the tip of his tongue. "I don't think so. I just want everything to be good between us."

"Has it not been?"

"I waited so long to love Michael, I thought the only reason I was holding back was because he was in jail. But, now he's home, and I don't feel like I love him."

Dan looked straight at Luke, but Luke didn't look back. He stared at the clear glass, feeling his heart break with every word. "I think you should talk to him," Dan said softly.

"I'm afraid of him," he admitted. "I have no idea what Michael did in that mafia or gang or whatever it was. I don't know if he's killed people."

"Do you fear he's going to kill you?"

Luke clenched his jaw. He didn't want to say yes, but he didn't want to lie and say no. Luke settled an answer, "Kind of." He put his feet on the long chair, holding onto his shins. "I fear more me dying and leaving my baby with him."

"Tab is a strong, independent girl, right?"

"Yeah, but she's eleven."

Luke turned his head, watching his therapist switch his crossed legs. Dan looked up, catching Luke's eyesight. "I see what you're saying," he responded, unsure what else to say.

"Just tell me it's valid to be scared."

"It's valid to be scared, but it's not healthy. You should fear any type of relationship—not friendships nor relationship. You should not fear your life, ever."

Luke swallowed a lump in his throat and looked back out the window. It started to rain outside and in Luke's mind. "What am I supposed to do?"

"Has he gotten violent?"

"No—well," Luke paused, "Kind of."

The other man sighed, "Luke, you've gotta give me more here."

"He had the chance to get violent a few months ago and I thought he was going to take it. He didn't, though. So, no, he has not gotten violent." Luke reached over his legs, playing with his shoe laces. "Can we change subjects? I don't want to talk about it any longer."

"Are you sure?"

"Positive."

"Okay," Dan closed a notebook, pulling out a different one. Luke felt as if Dan had several thesis' simply written about Luke's life. "How's Tab adjusting to everything?"

Luke wanted to point out that the conversation topic was switched to another undertone about Michael—something Luke didn't want to fathom. "She's okay. She's so artsy and creative and it makes me so happy."

"You've said before that you worried about her work ethic, how's that coming along?"

"If she doesn't like school, then fine. I want her to be happy. Writing and drawing makes her happy." Luke rested his chin on his knees, his lower back sore from the uncomfortable position.

"You're a good parent, Luke. You know that, right?"

Luke smiled, "Thank you."

"I really mean it. You care so much for Tabitha, and it's beautiful. I know parents constantly say they would take a bullet for their children, but you actually demonstrate it."

"I love her more than I have ever loved anyone."