New beginnings (boyxboy)✔

N.B 23

I took a while to reply. "I'm not happy, but I understand. I'm not going to put pressure on him, but I'm not going to wait for years either".

Julie nodded.

"And Jules..." I said. I had thought about what I was going to say that morning. "I really like Ryan, but deep down I don't know if he can deal with...everything".

"Tristan?"

"Yes and no. I loved Tristan, you know I did. I feel ready to move on from him and love someone else. What I can't move on from is..."

"The guilt", Julie completed my sentence quietly.

"Yes. I don't know if Ryan will be able to deal with the visions and the nightmares and my offish behavior after the nightmares. I don't know if I can deal with it and be a good boyfriend".

Julie looked at me for a second before looking at the road. "There is only one way to find out".

"I can't tell him yet!" I said quickly.

"Would you rather he found out and came to the wrong conclusion?"

"I can't tell him I don't know if I'm ready. I can't tell him", I said.

"If he really likes you he will understand", Julie said.

I shook my head. I couldn't tell Ryan about my demons. I couldn't tell him about the monsters I saw. Not only was it painful, telling Ryan I was not sure I was ready would discourage him from our relationship. He would look for signs of an imminent collapse.

"Ryan wants to keep you a secret. He has a flaw. I'm sure he can appreciate one flaw in you", Julie said.

"It's not the same. He's bisexual, I'm a freak".

"Rainier you are not a freak", she said.

"It's the same thing. I am haunted by visions of a dead boyfriend who I killed", I said.

"Don't you dare say that! Rainier..."

"Julie, what if all these nightmares are clues? He keeps telling me the only way he would forgive me is if I was dead. Now tell me, why would he need to forgive me?"

I don't know where the words came from. For the past few days I had been thinking about Tristan a lot. The anniversary was coming up. The guilt was intensifying.

My last words were spoken as Julie parked the car. She didn't say anything to me and I didn't say anything to her. She was lost for words, which was rare.

We walked to class and didn't speak much in there either. When we left class though, it was as if everything was back to normal. We talked and laughed a lot, mostly about me sneaking Ryan into the house.

At lunch time I couldn't stop smiling, mostly because I remembered Julie's comments in our third period about how hot Ryan was. She'd been teasing me.

"Someone is all smiles today. Got it all this morning?" it was Jasmine.

Julie grinned at me. It was all the conformation Jasmine needed.

"Did you say yes to Sebastian?" she asked loudly. For a moment the cafeteria went quiet.

I wanted the earth to open up and swallow me whole. God why would you give me friends like Jasmine?

I stole a look at Sebastian's table. Sebastian was facing away from me. I wondered if he had heard. I had hurt his feelings, the last thing he needed was being reminded of it.

"God Jasmine, this isn't a club!" I said.

"So...? Did you?" she asked, ignoring what I had said.