New beginnings (boyxboy)✔

N.B 22

There was silence.

I turned back towards the window.

"Did anything interesting happen at school today?" he asked.

Something interesting had happened alright.

"Yeah, sort of. Sebastian asked me to be his boyfriend", I said.

I was looking away from him so I couldn't see his reaction. I hoped he was at least not happy.

"What did you say?" he asked. His voice gave nothing away.

I was instantly transported to that moment when I was standing with Sebastian outside the cafeteria.

"Anyway...Rain I like you. I've liked you for a while now. I've spent time with you and I must say I've loved every second. I...um...I was wondering if you'd like to be my boyfriend", Sebastian said, bringing my attention back to him.

My eyes widened involuntarily. I suppose I should have seen it coming. Sebastian hadn't asked me out on dates so he could be my friend. He wanted more than that. I knew all along, I just ignored it.

I hadn't thought about that moment, in my ignorance. I wasn't prepared for it.

I coughed.

In a few seconds I had to make a decision. I didn't think about Tristan. I didn't think about Ryan. I didn't think about my family. I thought about me and Sebastian. We were the only people who mattered. I wanted a connection in a relationship. I wanted it to always feel right and truthfully with Sebastian it didn't. I could say yes and hope we eventually got to that point, but what about the moments in between? It wouldn't be fair of me to give him half of me while the rest was thinking of another guy. I would be denying Sebastian the chance to be with someone who really liked him. It wouldn't be fair for me to be in something I wasn't fully committed to because everything would seem like a chore or a duty. I wanted everything to be spontaneous. I'd been patient with Sebastian, but I couldn't lie to him. The spark hadn't developed and seemed unlikely to.

I looked at him fully. He looked hopeful. He genuinely liked me, and he was one of the nicest guys I knew. How do I disappoint him?

"I like you too. You are one of the nicest guys I know. I've enjoyed spending time with you too", I said. There was some silence. "I just...I can't...I can't be with you".

His face fell. I hated disappointing him.

"Is it Tristan?" he asked.

It wasn't Tristan. But I took the Tristan idea and ran with it. It was better than telling him there was no spark between us. He obviously thought there was.

I nodded. It was better if I didn't say anything. I was a terrible liar.

He gave me a small smile.

"I guess I better get back then", he said indicating the cafeteria.

I nodded. He left shortly, leaving me feeling like the biggest dick. I had led him on. I should never have agreed to the second date or the third.

Ryan was no longer cold. I felt it when his leg nuzzled mine. The hairs pricked me, bringing me back to the present.

"Is it a secret?" he asked.

"No. I said no", I said.

I realized Ryan had turned to me. We were in a spooning position.

"Why not? I thought you liked him", he said.

"I do...not that way. He's okay. There just wasn't something between us", I said.

"What's that something?"