phan one-shots

I have to go (2)

She pulled me up the stairs and laid me in my bed. I immediately curled up as she packed all my things. Soon she was done as I didn't have much, and she was packing up the car.

"Come on Phil. We have to go see Dan." Everytime that name came up I cringed and more tears fell. This is all my fault, I know it.

-at the hospital-

"Pj!" My sister yelled. She pulled me along as I was slumping everywhere and couldn't hold myself up. The tears dried up in the car, but soon there will be more, I can already feel it.

"Hey Sarah. Hey Phil. I'm so sorry about this. I just let myself in the apartment trying to comfort Dan while you were gone and ...I found him... oh god." He put his head in his hands and I could tell he'd been crying this whole time. My sister put her arm on him and we all sat down together. I still hadn't said anything and i wouldn't until I knew Dan was okay.

We waited for a couple of hours, not talking much, until the doctor came out.

"Family of Dan Howell?" He called out. We raised our hands and he walked over. "What relation do you all have to Dan Howell?" he asked.

"This is his boyfriend, Phil and I'm Phil's sister, Sarah, a good friend of Dan's. And this is pj, Dan's best friend. He's the one who found him," my sister explained. The man shook his head but looked confused.

"Why hasn't the family been contacted?" He asked.

"They have. But they disowned Dan along time ago. Phil is all he has. And pj, but Dan lives with Phil." The doctor nodded his head.

"Well Dan is now in recovery. He had to go into surgery to get his stomach pumped and transfuse blood and stitch his cuts and provide him with protein. He cut deeply on his wrist, both right and left, on his chest, stomach, and thighs. There are signs that he had already been self harming there before hand as well, possibly for several months. He looks to be suffering from a severe case of anorexia as he had hardly any fat on his body. He also took a whole bottle of pills. This seems to have been all was very planned out. He knew exactly what trouble it would be to put him back together, but I think we've managed. He's stable now; but it all depends on how the next couple of nights go. We hope he wakes up in the next couple of days and we will keep you all informed."

"When can I see him?" I asked, my voice scratchy.

"Soon hopefully. We want to make sure nothing will go wrong then you can visit him." I shook my head. "You should all go home and come back tomorrow to check on him. If anything drastic happens we'll have you contacted right away."

We all mumbled okay and got up. Pj offered us to stay at his as I wouldn't to be in my own home. I agreed.

- the next day -

We visited the hospital with little luck. Dan was still asleep. He was alive though; he had to live. This is all my fault. I was such an awful boyfriend neglecting him. I shouldn't even be allowed near him.

"Umm.. Hey Phil," pj mumbled as he walked in. I just looked up at him so he continued. "So I didn't really know when I should give it to you, but they found this with the... note. It has your name on it. And there's this, apparently it's a journal that he wanted you to read. I'm sorry if this is inconvenient but I thought you should know." I placed out my hand and he laid the paper and book in them, soon after leaving the room.

Honestly I dont want to read it, but I knew it was for the best. After all I finally get to find out what made Dan so upset. So I start...

There are dates all the way back to when we first moved in together; so I skipped around a bit. Oh, the day I got diagnosed. He started talking about the stuff I was doing. I kept reading, all the way to the end, the entire time tears rolling down my cheeks and a hand over my mouth.