A dragon in winter

A Dragon in Winter Chapter 5

Chapter 5

The note read,

'I don't know what you were thinking of, but I do need the van to get to work, and also keep your mobile on. I've taken a taxi but it would be a show of support in economy if you picked me up in the morning. 

J.'

The cat, who had followed me in, leapt on the table and nuzzled my hand holding the note, purring in greeting.

"Oh, Cassandra - it's a hard hard world."

On the point of sobbing I lowered my head into the black soft flank, which smelt vaguely of coal, and heard the amplified bubble of her purr.

I sat down, stroking the cat, and let Jessica's note drop.

'What have I got to do tomorrow?' I thought. But I couldn't string two ideas together. I was cold and hungry and exhausted.

'Let me get the now together. Tomorrow's not here yet.'

Later with the oven warmly hissing in the background, some hot soup inside me, and the cat fed, I faced what had happened in 18 Hebden Road. Presumably the tenant had converted the electricity credit meter I remembered being there, to a slotmeter. It had run out at the wrong moment for me. The rest was my panic layered on the stresses of the day.

I had better look at that in daylight and presumably the gas too. And I had to retrieve the limousine alternator from the rewind shop - which meant running the gauntlet of the dreadful individual who owned the body-shop. The plan for the following day emerged along those lines, and I stumbled into bed after having set the alarm clock, and downed a nightcap big enough to ensure oblivion.

Jessica blew into the van in a whirl of white uniform, navy blue coat, chill air and shimmering sleet. She sat, slammed the big door and I started the engine.

"You look like death warmed up. For Christ's sake - can't you look a bit more cheerful? What about a good morning, or how was your shift or just something."

I unstuck my mouth and mumbled, "Sorry - look - you know I'm not a morning person. My blood cells haven't woken up yet."

"Still pissed with whisky I guess," I hadn't put the van into gear, "Well, come on, move, let me get home and get some sleep."

I looked at Jessica. The familiar face of one I had, and still, loved - now lacking any emotion but self absorption and irritation. 'What's happened to us?' I thought. 'Has life and its external forces given us a too difficult file, which we've successfully handled in the worlds terms, but lost our way with each other?'

"Jeff, don't look at me like that. I can't help you. You must find your own way out of this thing you have. This - this - you seem defeated by everything - and enjoy nothing. I can't - can't - be me - surrounded by this overwhelming - bleakness."

I should have said nothing. But a sense of injustice welled up inside me. I near shouted.

"Dear God, woman. Bleakness? It's not in me. It surrounds us. Look - look - spread before you. Grey slate roofs greasy with sleet, boarded up windows, trash in the street, graffiti on the walls, sirens in the air. And we're trapped. Trapped here by the price we can't get for our property because no-one, but no-one in their right mind, would choose to live here. So what we'd get for our seven bedroom ex-hotel wouldn't buy a parking space in London. Just look at the local paper. Read and weep. Crime and drugs, theft and arson, drunkenness and racial violence - it's all there. I don't make it up. It's real. And it's worse in this place than most. Why the hell should I go around with a silly grin on my face? Suspend my judgement? There are bluebirds in the sunny sky and all's well with the world? I don't have that sort of brain. If it's there, I see it. If I see it, I react to it. I can't not be affected by it."