GONER

16 • In Josh And Sidekick, I Attempt To Trust

"Josh, you don't have-"

He just cut me off again, pressing his lips to mine for the second time in an hour. I wondered how long we had been in here, and if class had started yet. Probably soon.

"Yes I do." He smiled slightly, pulling the strings of my hoodie gently. I went to ask why, but he just shook his head, pressing a small kiss to my forehead.

There was something he wasn't telling me, but I just sighed, figuring it was too young to be doing couple like things, like bury my face in his the soft skin of his neck, but I did it anyway. Even if we weren't a couple, he definitely kissed me, and that could always be evidence towards something.

"Thanks." I said gently, biting my lip to shield the nerves running through my body.

Hesitantly, he wrapped his arms around my torso, stiff at first. Soon after, though, he relaxed against my body, small puffs of air being released from the both of us. I was so unbelievably shocked at this turn of events that I never wanted to leave these confinements, dreading the memory slipping away. I doubt it could leave my head any time soon, but maybe leaving would make this even more unbelievable, thus making it some make believe thing. And I didn't want that. I didn't want to be sitting in class and close to tears because of the fact that something so beautiful would have to be hidden by the walls of my dysfunctional brain.

"Scoop after school?" He asked quietly into my hair, rubbing the mess on top of my head.

I nodded. "Yes. Yeah, yes. Perfect."

~~~

Josh skipped every single one of the morning classes, and saying that it made me feel like trash was an understatement. I couldn't stop wondering what I had done wrong and what would happen if he didn't like the kiss and what would happen if he didn't like me. It was difficult to focus on anything that didn't involve him, and my knee bounced up and down in anxiety. What if it was just an impulsive choice he made, or if he just felt bad for me? I wouldn't be surprised, honestly. But, that didn't seem like him, and so I just tried to ignore how much I wanted to tear my skin apart, settling for digging my nails into the delicate skin of my wrist.

I could have gone to find him or somehing, but I didn't know where to look. I didn't know enough about him to know where he spent all of his time, or where he wanted to be when he didn't want to be anywhere. When it came to things like this, I was a pretty helpless and useless person, because there wasn't anything I could do.

"Hey," someone hissed, making me roll my eyes and look down at my desk all over again, not bothering to more my hand. I needed some physical pain. Any type of physical pain. "Hey, Tyler."

I simply sat there, waiting for the day to dwindle down so that I could make sure Josh was okay. Even if he thought I was terrible when we met again, it would still be nice to make sure he was still inhabiting the earth and breathing and stuff. I didn't know he would be in the cafeteria, but I went there anyway, simply because I wanted to. And maybe it had something to do with the fact that I had no where else to go.

So when the bell rang, I immediately jumped from my seat and was purposely out of the door before anyone else, just wanting to get there already. There had been a lump in my throat ever since he told me to go to class with a light, happy voice and no further explanation, ushering me out of the supply closet. He made it sound like he was going to be walking after me at some point, but he still wasn't there and it worried me.

I don't know why I was so bothered by him leaving after we kissed. It's very obvious that I am very rarely enough for anyone, let alone him, and it's okay. It's whatever. Seriously.